Thursday - 11/30/06

12:17 PM Paul: "this sounds awful."

- beethoven

Later that same day:

4:03 PM Michael: you

Paul: me?

Michael: "You make me feel so young."
-Dakota Fanning

4:04 PM Paul: "you make me feel like a woman."

- Steven Spielberg

4:05 PM Michael: "Atlanta."
-Savannah

Paul: ha

Michael: how's it going?

Paul: fine. just took a nap that i wish i was still taking

Michael: man i'm jealous

4:06 PM i really cant talk much now, i'm kinda busy

but i thought i'd drop a line

Paul: word

Michael: see how the island hunt was going

Paul: forever

Michael: poorly?

Paul: oh yes

Michael: that's what i thought

alright, later then

bye

Paul: peace

Wednesday - 11/29/06

12:41 PM Paul: we need to buy an island. soon.
12:43 PM Michael: so soon
immediately if possible
12:44 PM Paul: go do it. we'll default on the first payment, that being the "down payment" but we'll already have the keys to the place.
Michael: great plan
12:45 PM i'm so ready for island living
monkey butlers and coconut video games
12:46 PM Paul: and hammocks. so many hammocks.
by the way, one of us needs to marry rich and let the other live on their wife's dime
this is law
12:47 PM Michael: i agree with your plan
Paul: go get married
fast
Michael: i'm looking for a nice wealthy girl
Paul: me too
12:48 PM Michael: she doesn't even have to be nice actually
that was asking too much
Paul: apparently mary met some italian broad whose dad owns a vineyard. but she's all high maintenance and wears prada and crap. oh, and she lives in italy. and speaks italian. these are obstacles.
12:49 PM Michael: minor obstacles, let's put a baby in her and get the ball rolling
12:50 PM Paul: i think if i concentrate real hard, i can make her fat. and then she'll have to marry me cause i'll belittle her until she has no self esteem. that's science FACT
Michael: brilliant!
Paul: i feel like that's a great idea for a movie
12:52 PM Michael: it is, the title will be "Paul: The Guy Who Makes You Fat, Destroys Your Self-Esteem and then Marries You for Your Money"
and it will be the true story of Paul Revere
12:53 PM Paul: the sequel will be called "Mike: The Guy Who Takes Paul's Fat Wife's Money and Helps Paul Get His Fat Wife to Slim Down."
and that will be twice as long
and very boring
Michael: boring but pointless
Paul: you can tell that she's fat because she wears moo-moo's. and eats chocolate.
12:54 PM Michael: that's how the audience will know
and you can tell that she's rich b/c she'll be holding money bags all the time
and smoking cigars and wearing a monicle
Paul: bags with dollar signs, yes. sweet delight, mike has spoken again.
12:55 PM Michael: and she'll have a money bin and her last name will be McDuck
Paul: Fatty McDuck?
Michael: i'd prefer Fats McDuck
12:56 PM Paul: we'll have to hyphenate the last name.
we'll take her money and invest it in hedge funds. and buy google stock.
Michael: and uranium stock
12:57 PM Paul: and iranian carpets. and north korean....uh....children.
and the pope's hats
Michael: sir, i think we have a flawless life plan and also a box office smash on our hands
12:58 PM Paul: or the opposite. but there's only one way to find out.
oh, i think you'd appreciate this, unless i already told you
one of my friends was like "well, it takes one to know one"
12:59 PM and i said "no, it doesn't. i have all my limbs, but i still know an amputee when i see one."
Michael: terrific
1:00 PM and whoever said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger never had diabetes
1:01 PM Paul: or aids
Michael: or has been fatally poisoned
wait
scratch that last one
1:02 PM Paul: poisoned with laughter
which is crippling
1:03 PM Michael: an OD-ing on funny
Paul: happens all the time. tragic. hilarious. tragic.
1:04 PM Michael: hysterical, horrific, hysterical
Paul: historical, too.
Michael: nerd
1:05 PM will you buy me a rainbow?
1:06 PM Paul: will you buy me a house?
Michael: i'll buy ME a house and you a guest house
but you can't have guests
1:07 PM Paul: you're the guest
Michael: also, don't use the washing machine more than twice a week
and the front door squeaks, we'll need to get that checked out
your rent is to be hilarious
1:08 PM plus utilities
Paul: i can't pay up, unless i get five farthings in allowance a day
1:09 PM Michael: i'll give you two bits and a sixpence, i swear that's all i've got
Paul: i want an ironclad. the ship, not the case.
1:10 PM Michael: i can part with the Monitor, not the Merrimack
1:11 PM Paul: i'll accept, if you throw in an extra monitor for half off
by half off i mean half of an extra monitor
like, the front half
Michael: you drive a hard bargain
1:12 PM well, introduce me to this wealthy, spoiled italian chick and we'll talk
Paul: i haven't met her. she's pretty good looking though
1:13 PM Michael: better looking that other italian chick? you know, the pope?
1:16 PM Paul: way
Michael: damn
1:17 PM i know you're broke, but you should scrounge up enough money to come to dc
besides the bus, you won't have to spend money while here
1:18 PM i have beer and we can watch Exterminating Angel over and over
Paul: says you. there's always some meal or bar that happens.
Michael: it can be avoided
1:19 PM Paul: we'll see. i want to, but it's tough. what with Christmas gifts and bills to pay.
Michael: i understand
1:20 PM maybe you can give your bills as christmas gifts and kill two birds with one stone
Paul: ha
the holiday spirit, that
Michael: another festivus miracle!
1:22 PM Paul: man, that was fun. when andrew fought ophir in a feats of strength
Michael: hahahaha, yeah i can't believe that happened
Paul: so ridiculous
Michael: so very
1:23 PM i think now might just be that time called lunch time
adieu
1:24 PM Paul: peace

Tuesday - 11/28/06

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Monday - 11/27/06

5:50 PM Michael: "It's the eye of the tiger. It's the thrill of the fight."-Mother Theresa
i've been away from the computer for your last couple messages and i apologize. i got back from Israel yesterday
Paul: how was israel?
Michael: unbelievably fun
my dad fattened me up on ridiculously good food
how've you been?
5:52 PM Paul: fine. i'm so tired right now it's ridiculous.
Michael: oh? any particular reason?
Paul: no idea. but i'm good. the holidays were fun. thinking about how to get my ass to d.c. soon.
5:53 PM Michael: yes, you must
come a week from this friday
that's a good weekend for me
Paul: i'll see what i can do. i'm so broke.
Michael: i understand
5:54 PM well, when you come we can drink for free b/c i have 48 homebrews that will be ready in a week
Paul: oh sweet delight
if i come it will probably be december 15th
5:55 PM Michael: that works for me
you should come december 15th
Paul: we shall see
Michael: fine
be a huge asshole
see if i care
(i do)
5:56 PM Paul: fuck you too
Michael: we're friends
Paul: forever
Michael: thruthly
5:57 PM Paul: truely
Michael: haha
trooly
mensa
Paul: ha
Michael: mennsuh
were home for thanksgiving?
were YOU
5:58 PM Paul: yes
i WAS
Michael: goOD
5:59 PM iF yOu waNt to lOOk craZy, RaNDomlY put CApiTal LeTteRs iN YouR mEssaGEs
Paul: i want to look xtreme so i put x's all over the place
Michael: hahaha
Paul: xxhixxmikeXX
6:00 PM Michael: that IS xtreme
Paul: i do the dew, for realz
Michael: spaces are for girls
Paul: and nerds
6:01 PM Michael: can't there be extreme nerds? you know, like the guy who invented the atom bomb
Paul: fuck no. that guy was a nerd. the guy who exploded it was xtreme.
6:02 PM Michael: who? Billy the Nerd?
Paul: that was his half-brother
6:03 PM he died. from nerdiness
Michael: oh, you mean Johnny Xtreem
6:04 PM Paul: yes. johnny "bomber" xtreem
6:05 PM Michael: did you know that 100% of half-brothers die? that's a frightening statistic
Paul: ick.
that is scary
Michael: remember the alamo?
Paul: vaguely. hungry? why wait?
6:07 PM half-brotherism is a crippling illness.
just ask shaq's half-brother, jack.
Michael: brilliant
have you seen the new bond movie?
Paul: yes
Michael: was it any good?
6:10 PM i've heard good things
Paul: yeah. it rocked. except for one part that's all lovey dovey for like 15 minutes.
Michael: i'll take a shit in my oversized popcorn container during that scene
Paul: good man
Michael: that will punish the theater audience for watching a bad love scene
6:11 PM Paul: punish their noses. their ugly, love loving noses
Michael: makes me sick
Paul: bunch of nerds
Michael: your friend is a nerd
NERDS!
6:12 PM Paul: ha
6:14 PM Michael: i like the film, The Iron Giant
it was like a good movie, to employ an analogy
6:15 PM Paul: it was very much like a movie i would like
Michael: yes, just like that
6:16 PM Garden State is like a book i wouldnt like
Paul: it's like suffering a death. the kind of death that's like watching that turd try to get you to emote.
6:17 PM the only tears i cried were from pain.
Michael: that nerd touched your soul...with a turd
6:18 PM he rubbed a turd all over your soul
6:19 PM Paul: zach braff's turds taste like a generation of people i usually find annoying
Michael: that generation has an awesome myspace page, it's "in a relationship"
Paul: that generation
blows
6:20 PM poetic, i know
Michael: that was poetic
and prophetic and pathetic
i define AND defy and deify
6:22 PM Paul: it's like garden state metastisized the tumor of faux-philosophy and depth that our generation has suffered for so long. how's that?
Michael: good call
and well said
6:23 PM Paul: read a fucking book, zach braff. better yet, comprehend it.
Michael: also, zaxh braff, stop sucking, nerd!
i added the x to make him look xtreme
Paul: nice
6:24 PM he should not only stop sucking, nerd, but he should stop sucking nerd.
Michael: i really can't blame him as much as the millions of people our age who watch that movie and find it deep and emotional and believe it captures their own lives and feelings
6:25 PM Paul: yes. that's the worst.
bunch of emotional nazis
6:28 PM Michael: just like the real nazis only without the leather
Paul: or the hitler
the hitler leather
6:29 PM hitleather
leathitler
Michael: leathler
Paul: i'd be a hit in jewish circles
Michael: you would
jews who don't like you will go to hell for killing jesus
Paul: hahaha
6:30 PM Michael: i need to go, you stay classy Paul Cannon
Paul: peace

Monday - 11/20/06

5:13 PM Paul: "Then, in 1989, I had a little accident" - The Soviet Union
5:14 PM "Am I blind, or is this song terrific" - Beethoven
5:15 PM "My leg hurts." Pegleg Blackbeard the Pirate

Editor's Note: Mike was on vacation and replied using his mind. His thoughts were not recorded for posterity.

Wednesday - 11/15/06

2:10 PM Paul: "Califradgalistic"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
LATER THAT SAME DAY
4:19 PM Paul: "No, you're drunk."- Ted Kennedy
4:20 PM Michael: "What's the deal with goooorn nudz?"-Jerry Seinfeld
Paul: "I have a good feeling about this."- The Lindberg Baby
4:21 PM Michael: "Should I wear my Kevlar theater helmet?"-Abraham Lincoln
4:23 PM Paul: "AC/DC? What a stupid name."- Jefferson Starship
4:32 PM Michael: "Tuesday."-Stanley Kubrick
4:36 PM "I am fucked up."
-My internet connection
4:37 PM Paul: "I smell fear."- My Nose

Tuesday - 11/14/06

5:16 PM Michael: you're that kid that everybody's talking about
Paul: i am not. everybody's smelling me. everybody's talking about you.
Michael: steve buscemi
5:17 PM talk and smelling are practically the same thing
-confucious
you can't go against confucious paul
Paul: "smells like laughter"- Santa Claus
Michael: damn
5:18 PM impressive
"the stench of failure reeks of joy"-winston churchill
5:19 PM "cinnabuns"-Billy the Kid
5:20 PM Paul: "hello, my name is abraham lincoln"- robert e. lee
"would you like to taste my cakes?"- cortez
Michael: "I'm a material girl."-Shakespeare
5:21 PM Paul: "this is so hilarious"- me
Michael: "this is the conversation i've always wanted"-The Baptist
Paul: "Make mine a Guiness"- Queen Victoria
5:22 PM "How does that thing work?"- Olivia Newton John, responding to a question about vaginas
Michael: "Oh, my spleen!"-Joan of Arc
5:23 PM Paul: "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?"- Samuel Adams
Michael: "We'll have to perform a colonoscopy."-Marilyn Monroe
5:25 PM Paul: "This tastes like science!"- Frankenstein
Michael: "Speak softly and carry a big stick."-The librarian ghost from ghostbusters
5:26 PM Paul: "Havarti? NOOOOO!"- Marc Antony
we should publish this and call it "Mike and Paul's Big Book of Fake Quotes"
Michael: "Let's do another line."-Pope John Paul II
yes we should
5:27 PM Paul: "Have you seen my pants?"- Margaret Thatcher
5:28 PM Michael: "Girls have no place in schools."-Princess Di
5:29 PM Paul: "This tastes like cheeeeese."- King Tut
5:31 PM Michael: "Four cheese pizzas and four pepperoni."-Moses
5:32 PM "Where's my IPod?"-George Washington
Paul: "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."- that deaf/blind/mute girl, what's her name?
5:33 PM Michael: helen keller
Paul: "This KFed CD like, totally rocks."- John Wilks Booth
"Semper Fi..."- Ho Chi Mihn
5:34 PM Michael: "Of all the gin joints in all the world, she has to walk into mine....KAAAAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!!!!"-Ruth Bader Ginsberg
:(
Paul: "Do you know the way to San Jose?"- Gertrude Stein
5:35 PM Michael: "Why does Elton John live in Atlanta?"-Elton John's mother
5:36 PM Paul: "Have you seen her face lately? Horrid."- Chelsea Clinton's mom
5:38 PM Michael: "The most anticipated movie event of the year."-Idi Amin
5:39 PM Paul: "Why would you say something like that?"- Ronald Reagan's zombie
"Make mine a double."
- mike
5:40 PM Michael: "Where do babies come from?"-Sir Isaac Newton
Paul: "Did you ever know that you're my hero?"- Herbert Hoover, singing in the mirror
Michael: "I must go, let's do this again sometime."-Mike the Tired
Paul: "Mom said you got me from the store."- Prince William
ok
5:41 PM Michael: "Peace."-Mussolini
LATER THAT SAME DAY
6:54 PM Paul: "Ovulation!"
- Martha Stewart, describing what prison is like

Monday - 11/13/06

12:36 PM Paul: so, uh, a new species, you say?
1:30 PM Michael: yes, i do say
1:35 PM Paul: say again
1:48 PM Paul: your mom
tell me of the newness
Michael: my internet is misbehaving and i may not be able to finish this conversation
oh, the newness
yes, very bizarre
1:49 PM a group of people who alternate between having legitimately intelligent conversation and inane conversation but never any intermingling of the two
1:50 PM it was strange
Paul: who?
Michael: no one you know
Paul: wow
1:51 PM that is strange
Michael: exactly it was like all or nothing
that is all
how's work?
Paul: meh. you?
1:52 PM Michael: meh
Paul: word
Michael: i'm tired and cranky
and i might need to be changed
1:53 PM Paul: i'm hungry, if that makes you feel better about yourself, you nihilistic sob
Michael: it does, thank you
i was hungry once, it sucked
1:54 PM until i ate, then it was awesome
1:55 PM Paul: yeah, i'm planning to copy that method quite soon
Michael: you should i call it "Mike's Hunger Eradication Plan"
1:56 PM Paul: sexy. sleek
Michael: erotic and easy
1:58 PM Paul: basically. yes.
Michael: did you hear about this police brutality video on youtube?
1:59 PM Paul: the la cops beating that guy?
Michael: yeah
Paul: yeah
Michael: terrible
Paul: that's so fucked up. the racism in that department is notorious
2:00 PM Michael: i know, they have to have a policy of beating EVERY suspect
regardless of skin color
2:01 PM Paul: exactly. if a white man can't get equal and fair beatings, what kind of a police force are my tax dollars supporting, paying for, and allowing nice pension plans?
Michael: i don't want to help pay an officer who wont beat whitey
2:02 PM stupid lazy cops
2:03 PM Paul: yeah. why don't they just, i don't know, not beat anybody severely for no real reason? how would we all like that?
LATER THAT SAME DAY
5:23 PM Paul: hey everybody, come see how good i look
that's your new name
"everybody dubitzky"
5:24 PM if i'm ever famous, i'm going to "give a shout out to my boy dubz"
and that will mean you