Paul & Mike: A Portrait of Boredom

Thursday - 2/22/07

2008-12-10T11:46:00.000-08:00

2:02 PM Michael: WAH
Paul: fuck you too, mike
2:03 PM Michael: geez
just, sigh, geez
i mean
damn
2:04 PM Paul: have i offended your sensibilities?
Michael: you have
you're a man on many offenses
2:05 PM Paul: so she e-mailed me today
Michael: oh?
Paul: and it has made me feel fucking shitty, of course
Michael: of course
did she say anything substantial?
Paul: her email: [redacted]
2:06 PM response:
yeah, this is pretty impersonal.come get your bike whenever you want. it's locked up so no one can waltz in and steal it. one of the people with a key will have to be home to unlock it.
2:07 PM Michael: that's a tough one
seriously shitty
2:08 PM is this the first time she's come to pick up stuff?
Paul: yeah. yeah it is.
2:09 PM i feel like i'm going to throw up
fuck
i hate this shit
when is it that i won't care anymore? cause that needs to happen real soon.
2:10 PM Michael: yeah it sucks
Paul: so i tried to be as un-mean and impersonal as i could
2:12 PM Michael: you did a fine job of it
2:13 PM do you have any idea about how she's been doing?
2:14 PM Paul: i think she's alright, but no, i have no idea. i assume if she weren't doing hot, she'd be like "hey paul, i fucked up." or something. or she'd at least realize she did. but the way i figure it she's doing the classic thing that happens when you dump someone, which is distracting yourself with booze and ass and thinking that you feel great, only to realize in a few months that you fucked up.
2:15 PM where as when you get dumped, you know you feel like shit and distract yourself with booze and ass until, months later, you realize you feel better.
2:16 PM Michael: that should be on someone's tombstone
gerald ford's perhaps
2:18 PM Paul: yes, it will be written on parchment and sent back to egypt land
2:21 PM Michael: i agree with your views and wish to subscribe to your newsletter
2:22 PM Paul: krabapple? i've been calling her krandle! oh, i look like an idiot!
Michael: hahahaha
2:24 PM i wish i could think of a good simpson's quote but i cant
i keep going between this conversation and the report i'm writing
2:25 PM check the headline of this Boston Globe article:
http://www.boston.com/sports/articles/2007/02/22/a_beaming_harvard_embraces_the_cannons/
2:26 PM A Beaming Something Has Never Embraced the Dubitzkys
Paul: well, the cannons are a proud and industrious folk
2:28 PM Michael: today the Cannons uniquely mix their rich traditions with modern sensibilities to form a vibrant cultural tapestry
2:29 PM that's what travel shows say about any place they visit
2:30 PM Paul: we draft the young from the richest countries to be the ballerinas of the culture wars
2:31 PM Michael: haha
what a delightful metaphor. I can relate to it because i know the role of ballerinas in war
2:32 PM Paul: they are the most beautiful and deadly of the dancing regiments
2:33 PM Michael: like a golden retriever with a gun its mouth
2:34 PM Paul: ah, the canine brigades. the mini-doberman, and his oversized knife on his back
Michael: the dachshund, with its sack full of dog shit
2:35 PM Paul: the pug, with it's non-stop top-40 ipod speakers
Michael: the irish setter with its carrot top jokes
Paul: i don't know that i can ever be funnier than you just were
Michael: please, you flatter me
2:37 PM Paul: you and your brain and its jokes
2:39 PM Michael: you're twice as funny as i, and six times as charming
2:40 PM Paul: you're a flatterer who knows how to get what he wants.
10 minutes
2:50 PM Michael: sorry just stepped out for a minute
i really have to get back to work
we'll pick this up again soon, though
later

LATER THAT SAME DAY

5:29 PM Paul: blaaaaaaaaaaah
5:30 PM Michael: oh you are true
sorry to leave so abruptly before
Paul: you're an asshole. you rich asshole.
5:31 PM Michael: the senior partner apparently blew up at some paralegal upstairs and i had to be sure that if he came down i was working as hard as possible
also, i'm an asshole
not rich, but an asshole
5:32 PM Paul: i knew you'd say that
5:33 PM Michael: one day i hope to be the world's richest asshole
5:35 PM for now i have to settle for world's humblest man
5:36 PM Paul: computers! alive!
Michael: amazing!
5:37 PM modern science fiction!
5:38 PM paul, i didn't want to be the one to tell you this
but you're a nerd, you use computers
5:40 PM Paul: oh shit. and i have glasses. i'm as good as virgin
revirginizing
5:41 PM Michael: and a pocket protector, now you're uncircumcised
5:42 PM Paul: oh no!

Tuesday - 2/20/07

2008-12-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

11:44 AM Michael: how was your weekend?
12:05 PM Paul: it was pretty killer. how was yours?
12:06 PM Michael: it was alright
12:07 PM not terribly eventful but i did have some good times
how's mac?
Paul: pretty good. didn't see too much of him, as he'd rather play video games than go get drunk at a bar. to each his own.
12:11 PM you should come up and get drunk with me at a bar
12:15 PM Michael: that sounds exactly like what i should do
Paul: i know
Michael: so i will
12:16 PM Paul: excellent
12:17 PM Michael: i'm sure i'll be in nyc before april
Paul: indeed
Michael: i just need to figure out a good weekend
Paul: perhaps i'll figure out how to motivate myself onto a bus to d.c. - any birthday plans?
12:18 PM Michael: i haven't thought much about it
i could make birthday plans
Paul: you could. it is less than a month away
12:19 PM Michael: i'll give it some thought
ah
here's a plan
you come to DC
the end
Paul: wow. you think fast.
12:20 PM Michael: well thanks, i take steroids
Paul: you're also high
12:21 PM Michael: if by "high" you mean high on drugs, then yes
Paul: yes, i mean high on cocaine. the drug.
Michael: cocaine is a winners' drug
12:24 PM i'm on the fast track to cooltown and you'll just have to wait at the train station with your mouth agape as my crack train blows by you in a gust of wind and money
Paul: i think that might be the most amazing thing you've ever said
Michael: thanks
12:26 PM i only say facts i know
12:27 PM Paul: you say true truths, soothsayer. may your mighty brain be not hollowed out by the cocaine moles digging through it. for all time.
12:29 PM Michael: ah blind poet, your stirring meters have touched the void in my consciousness and breath'd to it righteousness of which i dare not speak. your station being so humble, must inveigh against the less noble men who, in mortal despair, do perfidy towards grace with a thin white line
12:33 PM
Paul: lines that long for nostral passages ne'er before traversed are mere brothers of the deep brews that dredge the depths of ones internals, eternally siphoning the tempered blood. AVAST! Forthwith shalt the hops and barley be mine sea, depression the vessel of shattered dreams! (it's not fair, you majored in classics)
12:36 PM and how did we go from "fast track to cool town" to fucking crazy ass poet speak?
Michael: excellent question
we're great
Paul: excellent answer
Michael: and your poetic reply was superb
12:38 PM Paul: it's still not fair. you and your background of epic poetry puts my mind to shame
Michael: that's true, i have substantial experience there, BUT your philosophy background can make it up and then some
Paul: mayhaps
12:39 PM Michael: no one can waste words on meaningless doublespeak better than a philosopher
Paul: well, maybe a politician
of which i also have experience
Michael: good point
12:40 PM you have received votes for the presidency
or at least vote for the presidency
12:42 PM Paul: did you vote for me? i know you voted for me to be the attorney general of massachusetts
Michael: that was in 2002, in 2004 you were my write in vote for president
12:43 PM you narrowly edged out dwight eisenhower
12:44 PM Paul: that's right. well, we might like ike, but paul cannon's the shit
that's my campaign slogan
"paul cannon's the shit, son"
12:45 PM Michael: i'll quickly run out and make a hundred thousand bumper stickers that say "Paul Cannon's shit, son"
12:46 PM Paul: hahahaha
and then i will run you over with one of the many cars you stick them on
12:47 PM Michael: that seems like a fair solution
Paul: it's agreed then
hey
12:48 PM whatever happened to duels? like, andrew jackson shooting somebody on the white house lawn?
Michael: that's a great question
12:49 PM men were men back then
that's a good campaign slogan too
"Paul Cannon: Men Were Men Back Then"
12:50 PM Paul: Cannon/Dubitzky: We're gonna kick your ass, bitch.
Michael: Cannon/Dubitzky: The Future Stops Here
12:51 PM Paul: Cannon/Dubitzky: Please shut up.
Michael: Cannon/Dubitzky: Read my lips, kiss me
Paul: Cannon/Dubitzky: Give Us Your Money, Keep Your Children
12:52 PM Michael: Cannon/Dubitzky: A Duo of Two
12:53 PM Paul: Cannon/Dubitzky: Vegetarian and the Jew: Red States Suck
12:54 PM Michael: Cannon/Dubitzky: Absolution of your sins with every vote
12:55 PM Paul: Cannon/Dubitzky: We're Hungry
Michael: Cannon/Dubitzky: We'll Tell You How to Cure Cancer
ok, i'm on board
but i have to go
Paul: adios
Michael: a pleasure, as always

Friday - 2/16/07

2008-12-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

11:07 AM Paul: don't waste another minute on your cryin'!
21 minutes
11:28 AM Michael: haha, i can always count on you
impressive
11:29 AM those growing pains
Paul: as long as we've got each other....!
Michael: we've got the world spinning right in our hands!
11:30 AM Paul: hahahaha
we're fun
Michael: supremely so
11:31 AM Paul: any idea if you'll be making it up to the old nyc for some good old fashioned good fashioned times
?
Michael: i want but i'm not sure if i want to spend the money
Paul: truly
Michael: tell me, who else will be there this weekend?
11:32 AM Paul: mac, a couple friends from boston...me.
11:33 AM Michael: it's very tempting
Paul: ha
11:34 AM Michael: maybe i would come up sat. night through monday
i dont know
Paul: yeah, that's macs plan
Michael: i'll give you a definite answer some time today
Paul: whatevs
11:35 AM Michael: if i dont come up this weekend, i'll come up sometime in march
11:36 AM Paul: cool. and i'll def. def. def. come to d.c. come spring time
Michael: haha
sure you will
i'll leave a light on for you
Paul: promises promises
Michael: good man
11:37 AM spring in dc is the best time to come anyway
it's actually been surprisingly cold here this month
Paul: yeah, i hear spring is beautiful
11:38 AM Michael: oh it is, what with the trees and all
11:40 AM Paul: and the leaves
Michael: yes, they're ok too
see what happens when we're both unoccupied at work?
do you see?
can't you?
do you?
11:42 AM Paul: can i afford not to?
Michael: how true that is
11:44 AM Paul: And also in a twist that really shakes the bacon
Michael: how’s work going for you?
Paul: it's alright. a long week of long hours.
12:01 PM Michael: busy, eh?
Paul: very. not right now. but yesterday
12:02 PM Michael: you never ended up meeting walken, did you?
Paul: nope. sadly.
12:03 PM Michael: that's a shame, i have some shit to do
we'll pick this up later
adios
12:04 PM Paul: peace

Thursday - 2/15/07 REDUX

2008-11-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

1:52 PM Michael: new post
Paul: sweeet. i need it
this day
1:53 PM is the longest day
and yesterday was also soooo long
Michael: how true that is
Paul: can we call this
Michael: how true we all are
Paul: "week that sucks II"
Michael: yes we can
done and done
1:54 PM Paul: by the way, when is it that i'm supposed to stop feeling really shitty about being dumped? cause that ain't happened yet.
Michael: i think that correlation is roughly one week for every month you went out
1:55 PM Paul: i thought it was supposed to be half the time you dated.
so in your theory
Michael: it's one quarter
Paul: it would be 26.5 weeks
i'm on week 5
Michael: 6 and a half months
Paul: this sucks
Michael: ouch
it does
1:58 PM when do you think you would decide to try to date again?
1:59 PM Paul: never. i mean, i'll sleep with somebody.
2:01 PM Michael: yeah, it's going to be a long time before you'd be willing to put yourself in a position of vulnerability
2:02 PM Paul: ahhh, this sucks. i've already drunk myself into a stupor for a solid month, so i need to take a breather.
Michael: true
check the post
that will briefly lift your spirits
2:07 PM Paul: brilliant
Michael: yup
Paul: i would see that movie
straight to dvd
Michael: right, but who would see a movie just called ATM? that's so boring
2:08 PM Paul: so boring
2:09 PM Michael: and the scientist's inventions all revolve around adding guns and knives to an existing product

Thursday - 2/15/07

2008-10-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

11:20 AM Paul: anyway you want it that's the way you need it!
Michael: She loves to laugh
Paul: she loves to sing
Michael: SHE LOVES ELEVEN THINGS!
She loves to move
Paul: she loves to groove
Michael: SHE LOVES ELEVEN THINGS
Paul: oh, all night!
11:21 AM Michael: ps i know that's not how it goes but hot damn it should
Paul: i know
i know
Michael: all night
Paul: so good
Michael: indeed
11:22 AM so i'll give you a final decision about this weekend tomorrow
Paul: word up
11:23 AM Michael: but as always, i appreciate your most gracious hospitality
11:25 AM how are things going with your own private film making?
Paul: i'm going to try to build a dolly/jib arm rig this weekend. i've got this idea for a short, but i need to have this rig to make it happen. it'll probably take a few tries to get it right.
11:26 AM Michael: cool, what happens in the short that requires the rig?
11:29 AM Paul: well, it's this idea i have where there are three frames on screen at once, and the film takes place simultaneously on all three frames, just from different angles/P.O.V.s. and the shots will all be kind of fluid. i want to actually make 3 films like this, all like five minutes long. the first one is going to kind of just be straight forward narrative, the second i hope will be more....i guess avante garde would be the word, more like mixing film and ballet or something. i don't know if i'll ever actually pull any of it off, but i want to try.
11:30 AM Michael: that's an interesting idea
11:31 AM Paul: it's a bit gimmicky, i know
Michael: you know what narratives you want to use already?
Paul: i've got an idea for the first one, but it's vague. more like there are certain shots i want to use and so i need to write the story around that
Michael: it's only gimmicky if it's just there for the sake of being there, if you make good use of the 3 screens as far as adding to the execution of the story is concerned, then it's terrific
11:32 AM Paul: i hope i can do just that
11:33 AM Michael: for example, if one of your characters has epilepsy just so she can sound more well-rounded, even though it's a shallow attempt to cull pity from the audience for a trait that has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the film and is just left there to dangle like a piece of meat in front of emo kids wanting to feel like they're watching their lives on screen, THEN it would be gimmicky
11:35 AM Paul: mmm, well let's hope no one ever makes a film like that
...
11:36 AM Michael: who would, paul? who would?
Paul: someone...who is the voice of our generation?
Michael: only he
but seriously paul, i like the idea
11:38 AM it sounds like it would take awhile to edit though
11:40 AM Paul: yeah, it would take a while to shoot, too. i'll probably have to plan out precise movements and timing
11:41 AM Michael: do you have 3 cameras?
11:42 AM Paul: no, but the way i see the film, the frames will move and stop at the same time. at least mostly.
11:43 AM Michael: i see, i get what you mean by precise movement and timing then
11:44 AM Paul: yeah
and spacing of the frames
sometimes all three frames next to each other will form one anamorphic wide screen shot.
11:45 AM Michael: that's awesome
Paul: it could be
Michael: like one of those multi-picture panoramas, right?
Paul: more or less, yeah
11:46 AM Michael: fancy dancing
Paul: we'll see. i hope to shoot the first one in june or july, but there are bound to be complications
Michael: naturally
there always are
i dont think i've seen any films you've made since college
Paul: i've only made little skits and crap
11:47 AM Michael: ok, cuz you've made some great stuff
what was the movie with the dumpster baby?
11:48 AM i cant remember it exactly there was something hilarious
and i think there was a robot
and andrew
11:49 AM this may have been a dream i had
11:50 AM either way, it was funny
and i thought your zombie movie from senior year was a lot better than you gave it credit for
Paul: the dumpster movie was about babies coming from dumpsters
11:51 AM and the robot movie was called "robot fantastic" and two robots face off in a dance fight on the banks of the river charles
Michael: hahahahaha
Paul: i actually was sitting in a bar/cafe the other night
and this kid comes up to me who i kind of recognize
and he goes
11:52 AM "did you go to BU?"
and i'm like "yeah"
"were you in COM?"
"yeah"
"you made that film with those robots, right? I remember seeing that. it was pretty cool."
that's my first fan, mike
11:53 AM Michael: dude, you're famous
look at you
Paul: so famous
11:54 AM Michael: you should have said "Can't you people leave me alone?! I'm just trying to have dinner with my family! Is there no respect for privacy anymore?"
Paul: hahahahah
i will never do that. mostly because i will never be recognized again.
Michael: that's a good reason
11:55 AM yes well, i'll own robot fantastic and alaric and all the rest one day on Paul Cannon: The Early Collection DVD set, but of course by then it wont be dvd's we use but a chip that's driven into your brain
11:56 AM Paul: of course. and when that day comes, i'll buy you something nice.
11:57 AM Michael: a clock radio?
12:09 PM Paul: also genius
alright, now i have real work to do
i'll catch ya
12:10 PM Michael: me too, me too
cheers

Tuesday - 2/13/07

2008-10-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

4:59 PM Michael: please entertain me
Paul: i just farted
Michael: that's HILARIOUS
Paul: yes
it's my new brand of comedy
i call it
socialism
Michael: i think it'll catch on
5:00 PM ok i have a film snob gripe that i can register to you, who knows so much more about movies than i do
Paul: ha
ok
5:01 PM Michael: the other day i was at dinner with some people and we were talking about movies and this girl goes "yeah i really follow movies. i'm a real film buff"
so i mentioned something about seeing The Apartment recently and she'd never heard of it
so then i say, oh it's a Billy Wilder movie and she had never heard of him
5:02 PM Paul: what?
WHAT?
Michael: and i'm just thinking to myself - angrily and loudly, i might add (yes i thought it loudly) - how ridiculous this person is
yes WHAT indeed
5:03 PM Paul: i mean, i don't think i've ever seen it either, but to not know who billy wilder is is to say "i don't know shit about film except what was made after mighty ducks 1"
Michael: hahaha
yeah, the apartment wasn't the issue
it's the claiming to be a film buff and not knowing billy wilder
5:04 PM if it's any help, she also had never heard of sunset boulevard when i tried to give context to the name billy wilder
Paul: oh come on
Michael: AND when i mentioned pan's labyrinth and said it was a guillermo del toro film, her response was "i loved him in traffic"
Paul: hahahahahahahahahahaha
that's amazing
Michael: no joke
Paul: did you just laugh?
5:05 PM Michael: yes, and i'm glad i can tell that to you, who fully appreciates it
and why it pissed me off
Paul: that's unbelievable
a film buff
ha
Michael: pathetic
5:06 PM that's like if i said i was a political science expert but had never heard of the constitution
Paul: hahaha
Michael: Madison? no that name doesn't ring a bell
Paul: it's like if you said you're really knowledgeable of egyptian history and hadn't heard of cleopatra
5:07 PM "Sphynx"? is that some sort of newfangled energy elixir?
Michael: EXACTLY
oh and also bad was that i told this story to another group of friends and they also didn't know who billy wilder was
5:08 PM Paul: well, it's ok not to know who he is, but not when you say you're a film buff
Michael: i agree
5:09 PM it's still frustrating that no one our age who isn't obsessed with old movies knows who the director of double indemnity, stalag 17, sunset blvd., the apartment, some like hot and sabrina is
Paul: true
Michael: btw, if you haven't seen Double Indemnity, do so
5:10 PM i saw it about 5 weeks ago for the first time
Paul: i have been meaning to for the longest time
hey, why don't you come to ny and get hammered this weekend?
Michael: maybe i will
it's really tempting
5:11 PM i'll seriously consider it
Paul: we've got a lot of people coming to visit, so we'll add on one more
Michael: i'll let you know
thanks
Paul: word
it'd be sweet
Michael: did you get to meet del toro when you worked on Pan's?
5:12 PM Paul: no
course not
though i might meet christopher walken tomorrow
that could be cool
5:13 PM Michael: dude
that would be
Paul: we'll see
Michael: cool
Paul: i might not be around when he is
Michael: to the utmost
you will be
you MUST be
Paul: ok, check this out
Michael: is he doing voice over?
ok
Paul: i just got an e-mail from amazon.com
5:14 PM and it says that the following book is available, and people who have expressed interest in it have also ordered some kant book i once bought or something
"Gotthold Ephraim Lessings Stliche Schriften: Teil 8. Gesammelte Vorreden. Beitr zur Kenntniss der deutschen Sprache. Vom Alter der malerei aus dem Theophilus Presbyter "
what the fuck would i want that for?
5:15 PM Michael: hahaha
christopher walken would understand
5:17 PM my boss is taking a nap behind me
Paul: truly
5:18 PM Michael: i have no work to do bc i need my shit to be edited by the someone else
but i think he doesnt know that
so type-type-typing makes it sound like i'm still doing stuff
5:19 PM Paul: yes, that is the way to go
type away
tell me a tell tale
Michael: ok
5:20 PM once upon a time there was a man named chris walken
and he went to visit his friend the Paul of Cannon
and when he did Paul had a ridiculous photo taken of them
to preserve the hilarity for posterity
the end
what did you think?
5:21 PM it probably could use a love scene
5:23 PM Paul: ha, i wish i could take a photo
5:24 PM but since we're in the biz we have to act all pro and like fame ain't no biggee
Michael: that's true
but it's not tom cruise or some idiotic star like that, it's christopher walken
5:25 PM maybe you can snap something with your camera phone
5:26 PM Paul: that would be sly
5:28 PM i'd then immediately send it to you
5:29 PM Michael: oh man, work dismissed
it's icing outside here
so we're out
5:30 PM Paul: adios son
enjoy the free freedom
Michael: i appreciate the distraction, thanks
Paul: anytime
Michael: have a drink on me
Paul: always
Michael: just go to a bar in new york and charge it to mike
Paul: it rarely works
Michael: they'll know what to do
Paul: unless there's another mike in the bar
5:31 PM Michael: there's seldom another mike in the bar
Paul: ha
an uncommon name
later, kid
Michael: my mother invented it on my birth bed
Paul: hahaha
Michael: bye pops

Thursday - 2/8/07

2008-10-21T18:26:00.001-07:00

1:53 PM Michael: fuck, i had more to tell you and then you left and now i cant remember what it was

Wednesday - 2/7/07

2008-10-21T18:24:00.001-07:00

11:28 AM Paul: i will never take you seriously

Tuesday - 2/6/07

2008-10-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

11:50 AM Paul: why? why mike? why?
Michael: i don't know, who among us can say
Paul: mmmm. indeed.
11:51 AM Michael: and now the onward track of downward spiraling
Paul: fuckin a.
11:52 AM how's life?
11:53 AM Michael: it's alright
i'm not one to complain
new job's real good
Paul: awesome
Michael: how are you?
how's the newest of all lines?
Paul: eh, totally shitty. more or less.
it's alright, i guess

[LATER THAT SAME DAY]

4:22 PM Paul: you should come visit me
4:27 PM Michael: i know i should
BUT
i think it would be even easier for me if you visited me
Paul: i know, i should. i just can't get up the motivation to get on that fuckin bus.
4:28 PM Michael: i understand
what if i came to new york and tied you up, put you in a sack and dragged you on a bus to dc, would that be helpful?
4:29 PM Paul: only if you also sedated me with alcohol. or drugs. whichever works for you.
4:30 PM Michael: of course, you and i both know i'm WAY too lazy to buy a sack
Paul: truly. tooooo lazy
4:31 PM Michael: you should come for president's day weekend
i think that's feb. 17-19
Paul: macdawg's actually coming up here that weekend
4:32 PM Michael: fuck
always one step ahead
4:34 PM alright, come down next weekend and get the drop on macdawg
4:36 PM look, i'm not going to stop putting pressure on you to come to dc, but i'll probably be in new york sometime before the end of march
Paul: don't stop, mike, never stop.
that's your new name
4:37 PM mike "never stop" dubz

Thursday - 2/1/07

2008-10-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

12:41 PM Paul: weeeeeehhhhh
Michael: WWWWWWHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH
Paul: how's the new job?
12:42 PM Michael: really good
interesting, real responsibility
how's work?
Paul: meh. it's alright.
12:43 PM Michael: any interesting films worth mentioning?
12:44 PM Paul: king of kong, which we bought at slamdance. it's apparently amazing. it's about people who are obsessed with donkey kong.
12:46 PM Michael: brb

Tuesday - 1/30/07

2008-10-13T19:53:00.000-07:00

7:03 PM Paul: it'd be even funnier if it said "fancy dancing warhol"
7:06 PM Michael: it might be, yes, but that's not what i say
7:07 PM "FANCY DANCING! (pronounced Foncy Doncing)" he exclaimed as he walked into the corpse-filled room
Paul: i've heard you say it, and i've always liked it
7:12 PM what if you said "foncy doncing waaawhaaul"

Friday - 1/26/07

2008-10-10T08:36:00.000-07:00

2:48 PM Michael: what's up PC?
2:49 PM Paul: gonna get lunch in like five. what up?
Michael: nothing, just wanted to see how you were
you should get lunch
bye
Paul: ha
Michael: ha
Paul: in like five, i will.
how're you?
Michael: i'm alright
2:50 PM Paul: right on
2:51 PM Michael: start new job on monday
Paul: solid
Michael: anyway, go eat i'll wait you out
Paul: yes, food. food food food.
Michael: oh, and come to DC
Paul: someday
Michael: you never will
bah
Paul: haha
2:52 PM someday
Michael: that will be a glorious day
cheers
Paul: if you had lots of alcohol and hot women, i'd be there in like five seconds
Michael: i have alcohol, and i can make Big M wear a bikini
Paul: gross
2:52 PM Michael: you said it

Saturday - 1/13/07

2008-10-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

4:39 AM Paul: are you awake still?!
4:40 AM guess not. alas.
Michael: ahoy
how goes it?
4:42 AM you still there?
4:43 AM Paul: i am
and drunk
and alone
and lonely
and drunk
did i mention
Michael: yes you did
Paul: that i drank probably a liter of whiskey tonight
cause i did
Michael: that's a sad tale you weave
4:44 AM haha
Paul: oh mike
Michael: geez
you must be drunk. good for you

Friday - 1/12/07

2008-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

1:52 PM Paul: great interview
Michael: i know, i can't believe he responded so quickly
Paul: must not have much going on?
Michael: that or he must have enjoyed being the authority
1:53 PM Paul: yeah
Michael: questions 6 and 8 were the same but phrased differently and he gave 2 dif answers
1:54 PM Paul: i think he made a distinction between the two
Michael: possibly
1:55 PM i think you need to write a short post
Paul: maybe this weekend, yeah
1:56 PM i'm just kind of not feeling so amusing
Michael: no need to over think it
understandable

[REDACTED]

2:00 PM Michael: how're you doing today?
2:01 PM Paul: fucking shitty. yesterday i was ok for most of the day, but today i'm just a fucking mess. holding it together at work, but i'm just going to fall apart when i get home.
2:02 PM Michael: that's rough, do you have weekend plans?
2:03 PM Paul: wallowing
Michael: ha, i hear ya
you've got mlk day so 50% more wallowing than on a normal weekend

[REDACTED]

Michael: not to feed into your guilt here, but from what you've told me it seems possible
Paul: i'm fucking dying over here

[REDACTED]

2:15 PM Paul: and of course that's fucking scary. but i'm the one who's fucked.
2:16 PM Michael: yeah i think that may have been what happened

[REDACTED]

2:19 PM Michael: you're right

[REDACTED]

2:23 PM Michael: true.

[REDACTED]

2:26 PM Michael: that's what i would say
Paul: which is soooo difficult

[REDACTED]

2:32 PM Michael: well done

[REDACTED]

2:33 PM Michael: but that's an excellent decision

[REDACTED]

2:39 PM Michael: right, well if you come to chicago i'll give you all the commiserating you can handle
Paul: yeah. i appreciate it
2:41 PM Michael: look, there's no way that this weekend is going to be bearable, regardless of whom you're with. if you're alone, take the time to think things over, see where you are, have a nice, refreshing wallow, and in the end the private introspection will do you good, and you'll vent with friends later in the week. you call me anytime as well if you so desire
2:42 PM Paul: yeah, that's good advice. i'm also going to drink the flask of whiskey i bought.
2:43 PM Michael: whiskey will cool the pain to sooth it, then warm it to relax it away
of course, that could have been icyhot
2:44 PM Paul: and put me in a sour, sour mood, i'm sure. or at least accentuate my sour mood that i already have. but whatever. just gotta keep my phone away from me.
Michael: hell yes you do
2:46 PM lock your phone a box which can only be opened by passing a breathalyzer
Paul: that's a genius idea
Michael: don't be snide, regicide.
Paul: i think they created a phone that can only be dialed if you're sober, so you can't drunk dial. or dui - dial under the influence
2:47 PM regicate
regication
i like yours, actually. well played.
Michael: thanks, i spent all week on it
Paul: hahaha
2:48 PM Michael: the most productive week of the year so far
i start my new job on jan. 29
2:49 PM Paul: you get the one you wanted?
Michael: yup
Paul: congrats
make us both filthy stinking rich
2:50 PM Michael: thanks, i will
certainly filthy and stinking at least
Paul: yes, that's the easiest part of that equation
you might even be able to make us itch, but no "r"
Michael: haha
2:51 PM terrible
you should take off work and come to dc
2:52 PM OR
go on a weekend
Paul: ooooo
a "weekend"
one of thoooose
Michael: it's a new device i invented
2:53 PM it has great taste and is less filling
2:54 PM Paul: yeah, i'll probably make my way down there soonish. i'm getting busy with film stuff, but i'll make the time. maybe the last weekend of january.
unless it's fucking freezing
Michael: that would be a good choice actually
what film stuff are you up to?
2:56 PM Paul: location scouting and casting for the first 15 pages of purpler rain. alex and connor and jon might want me to play the lead, a 13 year old girl who think she's a 50 year old man. because, they say, it would be even funnier that everybody thinks i'm 13, which i am clearly not. i don't know how i feel about it.
2:57 PM Michael: yeah, i don't know about that either
Paul: yeah. that's what i'm saying.
2:58 PM Michael: i feel what you're saying
and you hear what i'm feeling
Paul: and we're both blind as bats
2:59 PM Michael: let the world see our blind example and shine upon it the light of a billion listening eyes
3:00 PM Paul: that is so frightening, and i don't even know why
Michael: because it haunts the memories of our forgotten dreams
3:02 PM Paul: you're creepy
3:03 PM Michael: not as creepy as this one kid i know, creepy mary chom-choms
"chom" means creepy in russian
3:04 PM Paul: does it? cause that would be so ridiculous. tchoms.
Michael: the translation is "creepy mary creepy, creepy"
3:05 PM Paul: right, i'm gonna get some lunch
an apple
or something
Michael: you're greedy
3:07 PM alright, take it easy
Paul: is that what "my last name means in gaelic?
Michael: hahaha
Paul: greedy paul, greedy greedy
Michael: i think so
Paul: have a safe trip to chicago. maybe i'll catch you later on here
Michael: thanks, maybe

Thursday - 1/11/07

2008-09-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

3:12 PM Michael: hey
Paul: hey
Michael: how you doing?
Paul: not so hot, mike. how're you?
Michael: meh
Paul: yeah
Michael: did you go to work today?
Paul: yeah
3:13 PM i just kind of don't know what to do with myself yet
Michael: yeah, kind of numb and filled with conflicting emotions, eh?
Paul: exactly
more sad than anything
Michael: i'll tell you what you should do, do a brief post
3:14 PM of course
Paul: no, you should do one. and crack me up with it
Michael: i will but i actually have to get going in five minutes but later tonight there's a post coming

[REDACTED]

3:18 PM Michael: aye
alright, i gotta go, but there'll be much to discuss later
Paul: keep it on the up and up
Michael: oh are you going to chicago?
Paul: nah
Michael: bah
3:19 PM Paul: wah?
hah
Michael: gah
alright, later

Wednesday 1/10/07

2008-09-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

1:43 PM Michael: hey
are those your posts in the edit column?
Paul: what?
Michael: i don't know, there are a couple posts from the past couple of days that are drafts to be posted
1:44 PM i haven't read them bc i didn't know who wrote them
Paul: nope
Michael: hmm
Paul: not mine
Michael: ok
Paul: haven't had time to come up with anything great yet
Michael: no worries
1:46 PM Paul: oh, yeah, check this out, off topic: http://www.boston.com/sports/articles/2007/01/10/no_ravin_for_colts/?page=1
Michael: ok
1:47 PM Paul: it's why my dad hates indy
1:48 PM Michael: yeah i can see
i've heard that they just up and moved in the night
i didn't realize how literal it was
1:49 PM Paul: me either
1:51 PM Michael: wow, unbelievable
thanks for sending
Paul: no doubt
Michael: there's only one paul cannon in the sea
he's the white whale
Paul: i just really wish i could somehow not care as much. i used to be really good at not caring. and at lying. admirable, no?
2:02 PM Michael: to be blunt, it is her fault
Paul: you're a good friend mike
Michael: you're a good friend mike too paul
Paul: haha. i'm putting that on your tombstone.
2:03 PM Michael: just what i've always wanted
Paul: or maybe i can make a yamulkah (spelling?) with that written on it. do they customize those sorts of things?
they should. i will.
Michael: they do customize those sort of things
2:04 PM that would be ridiculousand hilariousi want my tombstone to be a collage of other people's tombstones
Paul: hahahahaha
2:05 PM alright, i gotta go. and i will think long and hard about the amalgam of words and religious symbolism that will be your tombstone
Michael: sounds like a fun afternoonlater man
33 minutes
2:39 PM Paul: you're working now? get that law firm thingy?

Tuesday - 1/9/07

2008-09-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

Paul: you know that phrase "don't hate, educate"? well, i'm trying to think of a phrase with regicide in it like "don't hate, regicate" - thoughts?

Friday - 1/5/07

2008-09-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

5:11 PM Paul: hahahahaha
hysterical
5:12 PM hysterical
THANKS
hahahahahahaha
Michael: absolutely!
so fun, so funny
Paul: i can't get over it

Wednesday - 1/3/07

2008-09-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

11:30 AM Michael: yo fool
11:31 AM Paul: yo

[REDACTED]

12:19 PM Michael: and we'll see where it ends up
i have to go, good work paul
later
Paul: later

Tuesday - 1/2/2007

2008-09-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

3:50 PM Paul: bling bling, money ain't a thing
Michael: yo man
thanks for the hospitality
also
Paul: never again
3:51 PM Michael: once was enough
Paul: forever
Michael: http://youtube.com/watch?v=DduAbLpZDHg
Paul: can't watch anything at work
Michael: bah!
asshole
Paul: i know
Michael: see what you made me do
3:52 PM alright
i'll email them to you and you'll watch when you can
Paul: yes
do so
at pain of being in peril
Michael: that sounds perilous
3:53 PM Paul: it is. and painful.
Michael: luvly
i spell grossly
3:54 PM Paul: truely
lurvely
3:55 PM Michael: sorry
3:56 PM how'd shopping go?
Paul: fine. everybody closed early, so we're returning tonight to put the knife under the ribs, as it were
3:57 PM Michael: shiv those retailers
Paul: in the front
with plastic credit cards
3:58 PM Michael: damn, we shouldve watched the movie
who goes shopping on new years
honestly
seriously
for the love of honesty
Paul: haha
well, i'll be coming your way one of these days, and watch it we shall.
3:59 PM Michael: quite
we'll watch the shit out of it
4:00 PM Paul: we'll watch it til it shits itself?
Michael: yes
4:04 PM i'll be back later

Tuesday - 12/26/06

2008-09-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

6:11 PM Michael: hey
Paul: hey
Michael: so i'm still coming to nyc this weekend
Paul: i gotta go. i'm catching a train soon. yes, come this weekend. call me
Michael: ok i'll call you
later

Tuesday - 12/19/06

2008-09-13T14:18:00.001-07:00

6:27 PM Paul: ugh
6:28 PM make me happy with a song
doooooooo it

Monday - 12/18/06

2008-09-09T20:49:00.001-07:00

6:44 PM Paul: mike loves all the lovely ladies
6:45 PM Michael: but not fatties
6:46 PM Paul: no no no
never that
are you looking forward to a merry Christmas this year? i know how you love it.
Michael: mike hates fatties, let the word go forth
i always look forward to a merry Christmas
6:47 PM i got myself a tree
it's metal and shaped like a menorah
Paul: another festivus miracle!
Michael: ah festivus, a holiday of joy and strength
6:48 PM Paul: and tests
many many tests
6:49 PM Michael: btw, i just remembered the other day that you never told me how your friend’s talk with you went
a long time ago when i was last in nyc
Paul: oh yeah
6:50 PM it was what it was
i can't really remember, but we're still friends
Michael: impressive
i wish i was still friends
6:51 PM the hilarious sitcom Friends, i wish i was still that, like i used to be
Paul: oh, and how true to ny life it was
giant apartments
hanging out with the same people every day all day
6:52 PM Michael: never working
no black people
that's the true new york
also there's no subway
6:53 PM Paul: great quote: what's the point of being better than someone when you can just hurt their feelings.
?
6:54 PM Michael: eh
6:55 PM that's not as good as "I know i'm better than he/she, but i still want to hurt their feelings."
Paul: meh
6:56 PM Michael: meh, quite. yes, indeed. mm
Paul: quite. indeeeeeed. so, nyc for new years?
Michael: yeah, i think so
6:57 PM assuming nyc=your place
Paul: yes
it does
and parties and drinking
Michael: then i intend to be there
Paul: boyhowdy!
6:58 PM Michael: it's like the new years i've always dreamed about!
no cover charges, no bars that dont allow hats
Paul: this the dream new years you've always dreamed about.
obviously
i don't pay cover charges
unless a band is playing
6:59 PM then maybe
but no
Michael: did you get my text from the other day?
Paul: it'll be parties and dan's roof probably
i did
Michael: yes
It was awful
Paul: why were you there?
Michael: i was dragged there against my will
Paul: and i did concentrate really hard to kill you, but instead you grew two inches
Michael: haha
7:00 PM i think i'm going to wear a hat
7:02 PM Paul: people need more self-respect/awareness
Michael: indeed, i wish i had more self-respect. i mean, i respect myself, but i always wonder, don't i deserve more respect?
7:03 PM and i should lead by example
Paul: of course you do. do you own land? are you landed gentry? then yes, you deserve more respect. until the sun sets on a vineyard or a giant island or your very own virginia.
7:04 PM Michael: i'm a rich man, paul, but i'd trade it all for a little more
7:05 PM Paul: how true that is
Michael: i wish i could take credit for that line, but it's mr. burns from an old simpsons episode
7:06 PM that being said, i wrote that episode
Paul: i know. i saw it and said "that's mike's handywork if ever i've seen it" - of course, i was blind at the time
7:07 PM Michael: true, that was before i shined my countenance upon you
Paul: yeah, it turned out that i just had a hat on. real low.
7:08 PM Michael: and you were wearing a burka of hope and emotion
Paul: and boy were my hopes hopeless and my emotions excited
7:09 PM Michael: one time, menachem got upset and he emoted all over the living room
Paul: hahaha
Michael: i had to clean up, it was gross
Paul: only the world's biggest big&tall store could contain the emotions i emote for you.
7:10 PM Michael: paul, you're a good friend and an even better astronaut
Paul: wow. that's a true truth!
put me in space, make me a monkey.
7:11 PM the moon rules, #1
Michael: from now when i lie, i'm going to say i have a "truth-ache"
Paul: hahaha
that is so lame, but so funny
Michael: da moon rules, number one, on my car
i know
congratuations
i have a truth ache
7:12 PM Paul: i didn't so much lie as not tell you truths. and if that's against the law, then lady justice is....lying
oh, well congratulations! now i have a truth ache! aren't you happy?
7:13 PM Michael: haha
i'm going to light some hanukkah fires, brb
7:14 PM Paul: that's for the maccabees. and you sir, are no maccabee
7:16 PM Michael: maybe not, but you are no manger
Paul: that is a truth-ache, and you know it
Michael: haha
7:17 PM great usage
Paul: you’re bleeding truths from your elbows to your feet, man!
they flow from you, like wolves from the...other wolves
Michael: i'm hemorrhaging truths at an alarming rate
7:18 PM Paul: you need 20ccs of truth-serum stat
Michael: as long as it's not a suppository
7:19 PM Paul: never that. always that.
Michael: sometimes i wonder why we cant get along
7:20 PM you seem like a good guy
Paul: i'm not. but neither are you.
Michael: neither of us are both the same
Paul: wow
that is mind boggling
7:21 PM write that in the sky, and call it heaven
or you know, don't
Michael: hahaha
Paul: cause that'd be weird
alright, i'm out
peace
Michael: adios

Wednesday - 12/13/06

2008-09-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

3:01 PM Paul: dude
3:02 PM Michael: sir
Paul: you need to call my phone, cause i don't have your number anymore. my old phone broke in half, so i got a new one all fancy like.
Michael: same number?
Paul: yes
3:03 PM Michael: ok
done
3:04 PM Paul: that's my boy
way to keep me pretty
Michael: you have my number
wow
3:07 PM Paul: racecars, somethings, aeroplanes, it's a duck blur?
Michael: that's so right
Paul: i know this
3:08 PM Michael: lasers
Paul: racecars, lasers, aeroplanes?
Michael: it's a duck-blur
Paul: wow. that is a trifecta
3:09 PM Michael: hell yeah it is
i'm gonna take a swim in my money bin
i'm not making a reference to ducktales, i just mean like every jew has a money bin
3:10 PM Paul: oh, the one filled with gold and diamonds?
Michael: it's filled with buttons
Paul: oh
wow
a button bin
Michael: yeah, seriously
Paul: all of which read "we like ike"
3:11 PM Michael: yes, also, it's not so much a bin as a shoe box
and there's also a pair of shoes in it
i'm gonna go swim in that
3:12 PM Paul: swim in it, like people are "swimming" in money, as in there is a lot of it? or literally swim, with the possibility of more swimming
Michael: the latter
Paul: oooo
3:13 PM Michael: i'll catch you later
Paul: peace
Michael: when i'm sopping wet in buttons and shoes
vaya con dios

Monday - 12/11/06

2008-09-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

6:49 PM Michael: i have a movie for you to see

6:54 PM Paul: do tell

6:55 PM Michael: have you seen Kiss Me Deadly?

6:56 PM Paul: hmmmm

i feel like i have....but i should obviously see it again

Michael: oh so good

1955, mickey spillane mystery

6:57 PM with major cold war overtones

and very well shot

you'll love it

go see it

6:58 PM Paul: i shall

Michael: good man

6:59 PM you'll like this, Big M just got a new job, started last week, took this week off and decided today to buy a plane ticket for LA tomorrow morning

7:00 PM Paul: wow

how?

Michael: i know, crazy

7:01 PM he just decided this afternoon to go to LA so he called his friend there and then bought a ticket that leaves at 630 am tuesday

7:02 PM Paul: that's amazing

i wish i had money

Michael: i know i'm impressed too

he got the tix for under $400 round trip, not bad for such short notice

yes, you must acquire money and show up in dc

Paul: agreed

7:03 PM Michael: what are your christmas week plans?

7:04 PM Paul: home from the 23rd-27th. maggies the 27th-28th, back in NY on the 28th. back to work on the 2nd. what's your dilly, Michael St. Dubitzky?

Michael: Boston Dec. 21st, NH 23-26th, Boston 26-27 - i think

7:05 PM of course i dont like the word "christmas" i prefer "christ-x"

Paul: that is x-treme

while you're doing the dew, that's when you come up with these things

Michael: some people call it x-mas, they're lame. Christ-X forever

Paul: so you should come to NY for a couple days. new years new york style? think about it.

7:06 PM Michael: that might happen

good idea

Paul: i call thanksgiving "x-giving"

Michael: haha

Paul: soon, all holidays will be x-ed

presid-x's day

Michael: The Fourth of X

Paul: martin luther x jr. day

7:07 PM labor x

Michael: X Luther X X Day

Paul: hahahaha

that's your new IM name

Michael: yes it should be

Paul: forever

7:08 PM Michael: i should change my name to Michael X-it-x

Paul: m-x x-it-x

7:09 PM Michael: that's futuristic

what am i, the terminator?

7:10 PM and you can be called Little Pauly Cans

7:11 PM LPC for short

Paul: ick

i'll never get laid

Michael: so true, "Pauly" is terrible

Paul: mikey dubz is also pretty bad

7:12 PM Michael: yes, but that will remain my legal name

how about PJ Canny?

your name is so amenable to cognomen

Paul: you're an asshole

Michael: hahaha

7:13 PM this is one of my favorite conversations ever

Paul: hahaha

7:14 PM Michael: the two lines before my laugh are perfect for an away message

Paul: so perfect

Michael: ok so here's the plan

7:15 PM i'll go nyc for new years, you come to dc for january first

7:16 PM Paul: that's a perfect and near flawless plan. but you forgot ONE thing:

it's called new x

or x-years

Michael: i like New X

Paul: it's like the coolest thing ever

but it isn't

7:17 PM Michael: from now on, i think i'm going to use the word "birth" for anything i produce, ie "I birthed a new screenplay this week."

7:18 PM Paul: hahahahaha

i totally impregnated the world with a new screenplay

7:19 PM you should see my new screenplay. it's like a fetus.

Michael: today marks the two-day anniversary of the massive shit i birthed this weekend

Paul: fetus-x

douchebag

7:20 PM the massive shit - hahahahahaha

that is priceless

Michael: oh man, good times

7:21 PM i gtg

cheerio

7:22 PM Paul: peace

Friday - 12/8/06

2008-09-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

1:31 PM Paul: notrils?
that's gross, dude
1:32 PM you're gross
Michael: it is
Paul: and you're ugly
ask me if i'm drunk right now
Michael: hey let's not fly off the handle here
Paul: cause i wish i was
and i will be in like 8 hours
Michael: when are you coming to dc?
Paul: no time soon, sadly.
Michael: that is sadly
Paul: indeed
i want to come. maybe january.
1:34 PM Michael: you just produced a tragicomedy in my eye
Paul: oooo, that can sting
1:35 PM Michael: it's ok, i sprayed my eye with bleach to get it out
Paul: good man. we'll call you cyclops, until you blind your other eye. then we'll call you no-clops
michael no-clops
Michael: haha
1:36 PM my clops are both fine sir
Paul: ah, michael two-clops, the fourth
1:37 PM Michael: i''ll give you a black clops if you say that to my face
Paul: hahahaha
our conversations are always the best
Michael: it's true
never second rate
1:38 PM Paul: sometimes third, but never second
Michael: exactly
usually third actually
Paul: mmm, indeed.
1:39 PM Michael: quite
Paul: an exchange from purpler rain goes "he's a remarkable thespian?" "remarkable?" "quite."
1:40 PM Michael: not bad
Paul: it's in regards to ratface, the insane asylum patient who never speaks
Michael: hahaha
Paul: he's actually insanely attractive, but everyone calls him ratface
1:41 PM Michael: i need to read that script
brilliant
Paul: we're working on it this weekend. it's going to change a lot, i think
Michael: how so?
1:43 PM Paul: well, we took some time away from it and now we're going back so it's bound to change. some of the script just needs tuning, while some of it needs completely different direction. we might have a "surviving the game" type deal in the woods on the way to minnesota, or deal more deeply with other characters that we sort of gloss over. we shall see. it's bound to be hilarious, whatever happens.
1:45 PM Michael: as long as its still hilarious, i'll allow for editing
but i have my clops on you guys
1:46 PM Paul: hahaha. i'm keeping my clop on you
we should call somebody by-clops from now on
Michael: no that's an insult!
now
1:47 PM Paul: who do we know who is incredibly cloppy or cloppish?
1:48 PM Michael: i was at a chinese restaurant last night with big m and sendor and menachem got the following fortune in his cookie (verbatim): "Maybe you can live on the moon in next century."Then a few minutes later he picked up another and got: "Maybe you can live on the moon in next century."
so he's booked after 2100
1:49 PM Paul: shit. maybe it's definite.
Michael: hahaha

Tuesday - 12/5/06

2008-09-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

5:01 PM Paul: i got my eyes on you
Michael: i got my ears on you
5:02 PM Paul: i got something in my front pocket for you
Michael: give it a feel say how do you do
5:04 PM Paul: why don't you stick your hand in, and see what it is?
Michael: so funny
5:05 PM Paul: ah, laughter. it's what happens when children scream
Michael: and when heroes weep
5:06 PM Paul: ha.
Michael: are you a hero or a child?
be a shark
Paul: i'm a bear-shark, nature's deadliest creation
5:07 PM Michael: not as deadly as gorilla-snake
all the powers of a gorilla, with the lethal sensibilities of a snake
Paul: but the bear-shark is a bear with a shark on it's back.
5:08 PM Michael: the gorilla-snake can climb buildings and be a belt
5:10 PM Paul: the bear-shark can eat honey and sleep with the fishes
5:11 PM Michael: well, the gorilla-snake has deadly venom and is fast, like a shark
Paul: but the bear-shark has two rows of teeth, and is slippery, like a snake
5:12 PM Michael: damn
that is impressive
Paul: plus it's named daniel
5:13 PM Michael: that name is gay
Paul: and likes to read many leather bound books
Michael: and its walls smell of rich mahogany
oh i have to send you a bruno video
Paul: you sure do
5:14 PM and i have to go buy a coffee
stay tb-free
Michael: you too buddy

Thursday - 11/30/06

2008-08-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

12:17 PM Paul: "this sounds awful."

- beethoven

Later that same day:

4:03 PM Michael: you

Paul: me?

Michael: "You make me feel so young."
-Dakota Fanning

4:04 PM Paul: "you make me feel like a woman."

- Steven Spielberg

4:05 PM Michael: "Atlanta."
-Savannah

Paul: ha

Michael: how's it going?

Paul: fine. just took a nap that i wish i was still taking

Michael: man i'm jealous

4:06 PM i really cant talk much now, i'm kinda busy

but i thought i'd drop a line

Paul: word

Michael: see how the island hunt was going

Paul: forever

Michael: poorly?

Paul: oh yes

Michael: that's what i thought

alright, later then

bye

Paul: peace

Wednesday - 11/29/06

2008-08-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

12:41 PM Paul: we need to buy an island. soon.
12:43 PM Michael: so soon
immediately if possible
12:44 PM Paul: go do it. we'll default on the first payment, that being the "down payment" but we'll already have the keys to the place.
Michael: great plan
12:45 PM i'm so ready for island living
monkey butlers and coconut video games
12:46 PM Paul: and hammocks. so many hammocks.
by the way, one of us needs to marry rich and let the other live on their wife's dime
this is law
12:47 PM Michael: i agree with your plan
Paul: go get married
fast
Michael: i'm looking for a nice wealthy girl
Paul: me too
12:48 PM Michael: she doesn't even have to be nice actually
that was asking too much
Paul: apparently mary met some italian broad whose dad owns a vineyard. but she's all high maintenance and wears prada and crap. oh, and she lives in italy. and speaks italian. these are obstacles.
12:49 PM Michael: minor obstacles, let's put a baby in her and get the ball rolling
12:50 PM Paul: i think if i concentrate real hard, i can make her fat. and then she'll have to marry me cause i'll belittle her until she has no self esteem. that's science FACT
Michael: brilliant!
Paul: i feel like that's a great idea for a movie
12:52 PM Michael: it is, the title will be "Paul: The Guy Who Makes You Fat, Destroys Your Self-Esteem and then Marries You for Your Money"
and it will be the true story of Paul Revere
12:53 PM Paul: the sequel will be called "Mike: The Guy Who Takes Paul's Fat Wife's Money and Helps Paul Get His Fat Wife to Slim Down."
and that will be twice as long
and very boring
Michael: boring but pointless
Paul: you can tell that she's fat because she wears moo-moo's. and eats chocolate.
12:54 PM Michael: that's how the audience will know
and you can tell that she's rich b/c she'll be holding money bags all the time
and smoking cigars and wearing a monicle
Paul: bags with dollar signs, yes. sweet delight, mike has spoken again.
12:55 PM Michael: and she'll have a money bin and her last name will be McDuck
Paul: Fatty McDuck?
Michael: i'd prefer Fats McDuck
12:56 PM Paul: we'll have to hyphenate the last name.
we'll take her money and invest it in hedge funds. and buy google stock.
Michael: and uranium stock
12:57 PM Paul: and iranian carpets. and north korean....uh....children.
and the pope's hats
Michael: sir, i think we have a flawless life plan and also a box office smash on our hands
12:58 PM Paul: or the opposite. but there's only one way to find out.
oh, i think you'd appreciate this, unless i already told you
one of my friends was like "well, it takes one to know one"
12:59 PM and i said "no, it doesn't. i have all my limbs, but i still know an amputee when i see one."
Michael: terrific
1:00 PM and whoever said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger never had diabetes
1:01 PM Paul: or aids
Michael: or has been fatally poisoned
wait
scratch that last one
1:02 PM Paul: poisoned with laughter
which is crippling
1:03 PM Michael: an OD-ing on funny
Paul: happens all the time. tragic. hilarious. tragic.
1:04 PM Michael: hysterical, horrific, hysterical
Paul: historical, too.
Michael: nerd
1:05 PM will you buy me a rainbow?
1:06 PM Paul: will you buy me a house?
Michael: i'll buy ME a house and you a guest house
but you can't have guests
1:07 PM Paul: you're the guest
Michael: also, don't use the washing machine more than twice a week
and the front door squeaks, we'll need to get that checked out
your rent is to be hilarious
1:08 PM plus utilities
Paul: i can't pay up, unless i get five farthings in allowance a day
1:09 PM Michael: i'll give you two bits and a sixpence, i swear that's all i've got
Paul: i want an ironclad. the ship, not the case.
1:10 PM Michael: i can part with the Monitor, not the Merrimack
1:11 PM Paul: i'll accept, if you throw in an extra monitor for half off
by half off i mean half of an extra monitor
like, the front half
Michael: you drive a hard bargain
1:12 PM well, introduce me to this wealthy, spoiled italian chick and we'll talk
Paul: i haven't met her. she's pretty good looking though
1:13 PM Michael: better looking that other italian chick? you know, the pope?
1:16 PM Paul: way
Michael: damn
1:17 PM i know you're broke, but you should scrounge up enough money to come to dc
besides the bus, you won't have to spend money while here
1:18 PM i have beer and we can watch Exterminating Angel over and over
Paul: says you. there's always some meal or bar that happens.
Michael: it can be avoided
1:19 PM Paul: we'll see. i want to, but it's tough. what with Christmas gifts and bills to pay.
Michael: i understand
1:20 PM maybe you can give your bills as christmas gifts and kill two birds with one stone
Paul: ha
the holiday spirit, that
Michael: another festivus miracle!
1:22 PM Paul: man, that was fun. when andrew fought ophir in a feats of strength
Michael: hahahaha, yeah i can't believe that happened
Paul: so ridiculous
Michael: so very
1:23 PM i think now might just be that time called lunch time
adieu
1:24 PM Paul: peace

Tuesday - 11/28/06

2008-08-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

12:32 PM Paul: what deal corn nud?
Later that same day:
3:35 PM Paul: "my head hurts."
Marie Antoinette
3:36 PM Michael: help stop rape, say yes
Paul: you help.
Michael: i'm not very helpful
3:37 PM I’m more of a supervisor
Paul: ah
yes
an idea man. the big picture
pulling quick ones, and medium paced ones as well
3:45 PM Michael: oops
3:46 PM Paul: oops indeed
abandoning me like some cheap floozy
3:47 PM Michael: your pockets weren't as deep as i thought
3:48 PM Paul: i'm poorer than three poor men combined with a bankrupt bank
Michael: that's very poor
3:49 PM maybe you should take up theft
Paul: i did. but it's only the poorest who lack security systems.
3:50 PM Michael: the bastards
new york is too expensive, you should move to a cheaper city, like fallujah
3:51 PM Paul: i hear the going rate for a hand job on the jersey shore is phenomenal
Michael: is that true? i should look into that
Paul: isn't it? shouldn't it be?

Monday - 11/27/06

2008-08-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

5:50 PM Michael: "It's the eye of the tiger. It's the thrill of the fight."-Mother Theresa
i've been away from the computer for your last couple messages and i apologize. i got back from Israel yesterday
Paul: how was israel?
Michael: unbelievably fun
my dad fattened me up on ridiculously good food
how've you been?
5:52 PM Paul: fine. i'm so tired right now it's ridiculous.
Michael: oh? any particular reason?
Paul: no idea. but i'm good. the holidays were fun. thinking about how to get my ass to d.c. soon.
5:53 PM Michael: yes, you must
come a week from this friday
that's a good weekend for me
Paul: i'll see what i can do. i'm so broke.
Michael: i understand
5:54 PM well, when you come we can drink for free b/c i have 48 homebrews that will be ready in a week
Paul: oh sweet delight
if i come it will probably be december 15th
5:55 PM Michael: that works for me
you should come december 15th
Paul: we shall see
Michael: fine
be a huge asshole
see if i care
(i do)
5:56 PM Paul: fuck you too
Michael: we're friends
Paul: forever
Michael: thruthly
5:57 PM Paul: truely
Michael: haha
trooly
mensa
Paul: ha
Michael: mennsuh
were home for thanksgiving?
were YOU
5:58 PM Paul: yes
i WAS
Michael: goOD
5:59 PM iF yOu waNt to lOOk craZy, RaNDomlY put CApiTal LeTteRs iN YouR mEssaGEs
Paul: i want to look xtreme so i put x's all over the place
Michael: hahaha
Paul: xxhixxmikeXX
6:00 PM Michael: that IS xtreme
Paul: i do the dew, for realz
Michael: spaces are for girls
Paul: and nerds
6:01 PM Michael: can't there be extreme nerds? you know, like the guy who invented the atom bomb
Paul: fuck no. that guy was a nerd. the guy who exploded it was xtreme.
6:02 PM Michael: who? Billy the Nerd?
Paul: that was his half-brother
6:03 PM he died. from nerdiness
Michael: oh, you mean Johnny Xtreem
6:04 PM Paul: yes. johnny "bomber" xtreem
6:05 PM Michael: did you know that 100% of half-brothers die? that's a frightening statistic
Paul: ick.
that is scary
Michael: remember the alamo?
Paul: vaguely. hungry? why wait?
6:07 PM half-brotherism is a crippling illness.
just ask shaq's half-brother, jack.
Michael: brilliant
have you seen the new bond movie?
Paul: yes
Michael: was it any good?
6:10 PM i've heard good things
Paul: yeah. it rocked. except for one part that's all lovey dovey for like 15 minutes.
Michael: i'll take a shit in my oversized popcorn container during that scene
Paul: good man
Michael: that will punish the theater audience for watching a bad love scene
6:11 PM Paul: punish their noses. their ugly, love loving noses
Michael: makes me sick
Paul: bunch of nerds
Michael: your friend is a nerd
NERDS!
6:12 PM Paul: ha
6:14 PM Michael: i like the film, The Iron Giant
it was like a good movie, to employ an analogy
6:15 PM Paul: it was very much like a movie i would like
Michael: yes, just like that
6:16 PM Garden State is like a book i wouldnt like
Paul: it's like suffering a death. the kind of death that's like watching that turd try to get you to emote.
6:17 PM the only tears i cried were from pain.
Michael: that nerd touched your soul...with a turd
6:18 PM he rubbed a turd all over your soul
6:19 PM Paul: zach braff's turds taste like a generation of people i usually find annoying
Michael: that generation has an awesome myspace page, it's "in a relationship"
Paul: that generation
blows
6:20 PM poetic, i know
Michael: that was poetic
and prophetic and pathetic
i define AND defy and deify
6:22 PM Paul: it's like garden state metastisized the tumor of faux-philosophy and depth that our generation has suffered for so long. how's that?
Michael: good call
and well said
6:23 PM Paul: read a fucking book, zach braff. better yet, comprehend it.
Michael: also, zaxh braff, stop sucking, nerd!
i added the x to make him look xtreme
Paul: nice
6:24 PM he should not only stop sucking, nerd, but he should stop sucking nerd.
Michael: i really can't blame him as much as the millions of people our age who watch that movie and find it deep and emotional and believe it captures their own lives and feelings
6:25 PM Paul: yes. that's the worst.
bunch of emotional nazis
6:28 PM Michael: just like the real nazis only without the leather
Paul: or the hitler
the hitler leather
6:29 PM hitleather
leathitler
Michael: leathler
Paul: i'd be a hit in jewish circles
Michael: you would
jews who don't like you will go to hell for killing jesus
Paul: hahaha
6:30 PM Michael: i need to go, you stay classy Paul Cannon
Paul: peace

Monday - 11/20/06

2008-08-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

5:13 PM Paul: "Then, in 1989, I had a little accident" - The Soviet Union
5:14 PM "Am I blind, or is this song terrific" - Beethoven
5:15 PM "My leg hurts." Pegleg Blackbeard the Pirate

Editor's Note: Mike was on vacation and replied using his mind. His thoughts were not recorded for posterity.

Wednesday - 11/15/06

2008-08-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

2:10 PM Paul: "Califradgalistic"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
LATER THAT SAME DAY
4:19 PM Paul: "No, you're drunk."- Ted Kennedy
4:20 PM Michael: "What's the deal with goooorn nudz?"-Jerry Seinfeld
Paul: "I have a good feeling about this."- The Lindberg Baby
4:21 PM Michael: "Should I wear my Kevlar theater helmet?"-Abraham Lincoln
4:23 PM Paul: "AC/DC? What a stupid name."- Jefferson Starship
4:32 PM Michael: "Tuesday."-Stanley Kubrick
4:36 PM "I am fucked up."
-My internet connection
4:37 PM Paul: "I smell fear."- My Nose

Tuesday - 11/14/06

2008-08-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

5:16 PM Michael: you're that kid that everybody's talking about
Paul: i am not. everybody's smelling me. everybody's talking about you.
Michael: steve buscemi
5:17 PM talk and smelling are practically the same thing
-confucious
you can't go against confucious paul
Paul: "smells like laughter"- Santa Claus
Michael: damn
5:18 PM impressive
"the stench of failure reeks of joy"-winston churchill
5:19 PM "cinnabuns"-Billy the Kid
5:20 PM Paul: "hello, my name is abraham lincoln"- robert e. lee
"would you like to taste my cakes?"- cortez
Michael: "I'm a material girl."-Shakespeare
5:21 PM Paul: "this is so hilarious"- me
Michael: "this is the conversation i've always wanted"-The Baptist
Paul: "Make mine a Guiness"- Queen Victoria
5:22 PM "How does that thing work?"- Olivia Newton John, responding to a question about vaginas
Michael: "Oh, my spleen!"-Joan of Arc
5:23 PM Paul: "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?"- Samuel Adams
Michael: "We'll have to perform a colonoscopy."-Marilyn Monroe
5:25 PM Paul: "This tastes like science!"- Frankenstein
Michael: "Speak softly and carry a big stick."-The librarian ghost from ghostbusters
5:26 PM Paul: "Havarti? NOOOOO!"- Marc Antony
we should publish this and call it "Mike and Paul's Big Book of Fake Quotes"
Michael: "Let's do another line."-Pope John Paul II
yes we should
5:27 PM Paul: "Have you seen my pants?"- Margaret Thatcher
5:28 PM Michael: "Girls have no place in schools."-Princess Di
5:29 PM Paul: "This tastes like cheeeeese."- King Tut
5:31 PM Michael: "Four cheese pizzas and four pepperoni."-Moses
5:32 PM "Where's my IPod?"-George Washington
Paul: "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."- that deaf/blind/mute girl, what's her name?
5:33 PM Michael: helen keller
Paul: "This KFed CD like, totally rocks."- John Wilks Booth
"Semper Fi..."- Ho Chi Mihn
5:34 PM Michael: "Of all the gin joints in all the world, she has to walk into mine....KAAAAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!!!!"-Ruth Bader Ginsberg
:(
Paul: "Do you know the way to San Jose?"- Gertrude Stein
5:35 PM Michael: "Why does Elton John live in Atlanta?"-Elton John's mother
5:36 PM Paul: "Have you seen her face lately? Horrid."- Chelsea Clinton's mom
5:38 PM Michael: "The most anticipated movie event of the year."-Idi Amin
5:39 PM Paul: "Why would you say something like that?"- Ronald Reagan's zombie
"Make mine a double."
- mike
5:40 PM Michael: "Where do babies come from?"-Sir Isaac Newton
Paul: "Did you ever know that you're my hero?"- Herbert Hoover, singing in the mirror
Michael: "I must go, let's do this again sometime."-Mike the Tired
Paul: "Mom said you got me from the store."- Prince William
ok
5:41 PM Michael: "Peace."-Mussolini
LATER THAT SAME DAY
6:54 PM Paul: "Ovulation!"
- Martha Stewart, describing what prison is like

Monday - 11/13/06

2008-08-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

12:36 PM Paul: so, uh, a new species, you say?
1:30 PM Michael: yes, i do say
1:35 PM Paul: say again
1:48 PM Paul: your mom
tell me of the newness
Michael: my internet is misbehaving and i may not be able to finish this conversation
oh, the newness
yes, very bizarre
1:49 PM a group of people who alternate between having legitimately intelligent conversation and inane conversation but never any intermingling of the two
1:50 PM it was strange
Paul: who?
Michael: no one you know
Paul: wow
1:51 PM that is strange
Michael: exactly it was like all or nothing
that is all
how's work?
Paul: meh. you?
1:52 PM Michael: meh
Paul: word
Michael: i'm tired and cranky
and i might need to be changed
1:53 PM Paul: i'm hungry, if that makes you feel better about yourself, you nihilistic sob
Michael: it does, thank you
i was hungry once, it sucked
1:54 PM until i ate, then it was awesome
1:55 PM Paul: yeah, i'm planning to copy that method quite soon
Michael: you should i call it "Mike's Hunger Eradication Plan"
1:56 PM Paul: sexy. sleek
Michael: erotic and easy
1:58 PM Paul: basically. yes.
Michael: did you hear about this police brutality video on youtube?
1:59 PM Paul: the la cops beating that guy?
Michael: yeah
Paul: yeah
Michael: terrible
Paul: that's so fucked up. the racism in that department is notorious
2:00 PM Michael: i know, they have to have a policy of beating EVERY suspect
regardless of skin color
2:01 PM Paul: exactly. if a white man can't get equal and fair beatings, what kind of a police force are my tax dollars supporting, paying for, and allowing nice pension plans?
Michael: i don't want to help pay an officer who wont beat whitey
2:02 PM stupid lazy cops
2:03 PM Paul: yeah. why don't they just, i don't know, not beat anybody severely for no real reason? how would we all like that?
LATER THAT SAME DAY
5:23 PM Paul: hey everybody, come see how good i look
that's your new name
"everybody dubitzky"
5:24 PM if i'm ever famous, i'm going to "give a shout out to my boy dubz"
and that will mean you

Thursday - 11/2/06 Redux

2008-07-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

7:05 PM Paul: put your face in the toilet, you'll be so drunk, you will
Michael: my face is already in the toilet
it's not working
Paul: blast! fill the toilet with alcohol then. that's gotta be a good idea
7:06 PM Michael: that is a good idea, then i can shit and drink simultaneously
you're a genius!
Paul: i'm a brain genius
7:07 PM Michael: are you seeing borat this weekend?
Paul: you know, not everything i say is right
no
i'm not
i'm drinking
and eating
and that's where all my money is going
Michael: i want to drink and eat too
maybe i'll do that
movies in new york cost like $25
7:08 PM Paul: yeah, it's like 10.50 now. i'd sooner wait for netflix
Michael: you would, wouldn't you
Paul: i would
wouldn't i
Michael: my local theater accepts my student ID for $8 tix
not terrible
Paul: not too bad, no
Michael: but this affects when i come up, b/c a bunch of friends of mine are going
hmmm
hoooom
whoooo,
ooooooom
7:09 PM Paul: indeed
Michael: va va voom
Paul: bloom on demand
Michael: but you are mostly superior, especially when drunk
Paul: mmm, i'm no kazakhstanian
Michael: you should wear a tag that says "Warning: Awesome when drunk."
Paul: or "warning: you drink that drink, drunky" and people will read it and be like "what?" and then i'll take their drink and pour it all over myself
Michael: hahahaha
Paul: that'll show 'em
Michael: that would
Paul: that'll show 'em who's drunk
ME
and YOU
Michael: ALL OF US
i can't wait
7:11 PM Paul: sooooooooooooo much alcohol this weekend
Michael: if my liver gives out, just replace it with a bottle of jameson
you're a surgeon
Paul: saturday night we're going to union pool in williamsburg, then otto's shrunken head (which you've been to) and then maybe another bar too
i'm a brilliant brain doctor mike, not a liverologist
7:12 PM Michael: oh paul, i think it's only fair to tell you: i don't drink
Paul: hahahahaha
Michael: never have actually
i'll have an O'Doul's
Paul: that bottle of scotch sophmore year must have been a beautiful dream then
Michael: and you can kick me in the groin
Paul: roshambo you for it
Michael: so maggie's brithday is actually tomorrow
Paul: yes
7:13 PM Michael: hmm
Paul: a bunch of her friends will be in town from boston
Michael: but her drunkday will be saturday
Paul: both days, actually. but yes, saturday big time
Michael: you fascinate me
Paul: i'm astounded that you'd say so. you astound me.
7:14 PM and p.s. way to update your blog finally
Michael: yeah, i'd been too busy and tired and mostly lazy to do so earlier
but thanks
Paul: if your blog were a physical place, i would have invaded it years ago in protest of your lack of updates.
with tanks
made of smaller tanks
7:15 PM we're both on AIM and Gmail right now
it's like we were meant to be together

Thursday - 11/2/06

2008-07-21T17:30:00.001-07:00

4:46 PM Paul: i'll make you pay for that, dubz!

Michael: that'll be twenty dollars

beware

i think i'm coming in on saturday

Paul: with twenty dollars i can buy many peanuts

noted

4:47 PM on saturday i will probably be drinking from like 3 o'clock on

Michael: mmm

delicioso

Paul: i'm outtie

Michael: adios

Tuesday -10/31/06

2008-07-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

2:45 PM Michael: yoooooo
2:46 PM i'm coming to new york this weekend
Paul: i know. super excitement to the max?
Michael: at least
2:47 PM SO
i have to discuss several things
first
now that whiskyfest is off, what should i get for maggie's birthday?
Paul: buy her drinks? bring her a bottle of whiskey?
2:48 PM Michael: sure, is that what she wants?
b/c any and all drinks i buy, i'll play an active role in consuming
Paul: she'd rather the drinks than the bottle
but you really don't have to do anything, you know
Michael: i'm aware
2:49 PM any other ideas
?
otherwise i'll whisky up your world
Paul: i think the drinks will do. since we'll be bar-ing it mucho
Michael: so shall it be
this will be so mostly excellent
2:51 PM it will be especially drunken
but especially excellent
Paul: excellently drunk
Michael: drunkenly excellent
2:52 PM
Paul: both? and both!
Michael: oh man i cant wait
alright i'm out
cheers
Paul: peace yo

Tuesday - 10/24/06

2008-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Michael: hey

Paul: what up?

Michael: bad news

4:54 PM Paul: you made me a cake

and it wasn't leavened?

Michael: worse, i tried to buy whiskyfest tix this weekend and they were sold out

but

Paul: ahhh

i saw that coming

Michael: i emailed them to see if there was another way to get tickers

so we'll see if anything comes of that

Paul: if not

then on saturday night

Michael: i'll buy us all whiskey

4:55 PM Paul: we will have to go to a bar and buy us the finest of whiskeys all night

just stay til tuesday

and we'll drink til our faces fall off

Michael: yes yes

i'm all for it

but still a disappointment

Paul: indeed

i'll tell m'lady

4:56 PM Michael: that's all for now

later

Paul: peace

Wednesday - 10/18/06

2008-07-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

4:33 PM Paul: the government is your pimp
and you, its beotch
4:34 PM Michael: i'm the government
govern me
Paul: that makes no sense
that makes less sense than anything i've ever heard in my many years of hearing
Michael: you are the one whose cents cannot be made
Paul: i am the one who wants some jeans
4:35 PM Michael: i wish i could talk but i have work to do
Paul: indeed
Michael: you get it because you're a mathematician

Monday - 10/16/2008

2008-07-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

3:05 PM

Michael: you sir, are a festisioPaul: what is that from? did you make that up?Michael: i made it up using my own imaginationPaul: well now you're clearly lying

3:06 PM

Michael: no, it's true. i learned it at the School of Creative WritingPaul: you sir, are a foolioMichael: i could use that

3:07 PM

Paul: with my permissionMichael: no, i created it

3:08 PM

using my powers of creative writingPaul: your knowledge of man's mind is astoundingMichael: my first class at the SCW, as we affectionately call it, was "Use the plots and characters from movies you've recently seen to form your own script"Paul: brilliant101

3:11 PM

Michael: yeah it was cool, you should go therethe school's motto is "I know more about film and music than Paul Cannon"Paul: i believe it was "Paul Cannon doesn't know anything about music

3:12 PM

Michael: that's our fight songPaul: which, clearly, i don'tMichael: i knowyou dont have to tell meour founder was in mensaso he knowsPaul: don't you mean "mansa"?

3:13 PM

the misspelled mensamensuhMichael: mensuh"I'm in Mensuh"brilliantPaul: hahahaha

3:14 PM

so are you coming to whiskyfest 2k6, or do i have to kill you and bring your corpse like in that movie, weekend at mike's at whiskyfest 2k6?Michael: i'm gonna try to comei think i canPaul: come or die. it's a simple choice

3:15 PM

whisky? death?Michael: wow, that is a simple choicedeath for whisky or death by whiskyPaul: there's a clear choice

3:16 PM

one mr. jameson is going to have to live with mr. daniels and mr. beam, along with many finer gentleman, in my stomach.Michael: I'll speak to Mr. Johnny Walker about it, at the Scotch officePaul: mmm, he never stays long. just keeps on walking.

3:18 PM

Michael: it's going to be interesting to see how the hell we get home after Whiskyfest 2k6assuming i can gothat isPaul: or how i stay conscious/don't pukeoh, you'll go.

3:19 PM

Michael: you will puke yourself unconsciousPaul: i don't doubt iti'm gonna need a lot of starches in my stomach. i'll eat an entire pizza for lunch at work

3:20 PM

Michael: wot about falafel? mmmm giant falafel

Paul: if it were socially acceptable, i would eat all saw dust. delicious inedible sawdust

Michael: that does sound deliciously inediblePaul: i'll be at work all day. if you want to bring me a falafel, then yes

3:21 PM

Michael: we should bring a video camera and make a film about our day at WhiskyFestPaul: do you think we could get it in? do you think we'd end up NOT losing/breaking it?

3:22 PM Michael: i think we could keep it safe, but i dont know whether or not it's allowed. i could try to find out, but we should bring it and then one day we can show it to our kids as why they shouldnt drink

Paul: if not, we should at least each bring a disposable cameraMichael: at the very least, absolutely

3:24 PM

i still havent bought tix, but in theory it would be me, you and maggiePaul: yesMichael: okPaul: if it's sold out or something, you should just buy a bunch of whiskeyMichael: hahaokby the way, have i told you about my new religious belief?Paul: judaism?

3:25 PM

Michael: i'm a magnostic, i doubt the existence of maggiePaul: hahahayou doubt the existence of magnatism. much like creationists aren't too sure about gravity.Michael: precisely

3:26 PM

i also have my eye on electricity, something just aint right about that

3:27 PM

Paul: you're telling me.Michael: ben franklin was a jerk

3:29 PM

remember when we went to whiskyfest in three weeks?

3:30 PM

Paul: oh man, that was so great. let's do it again. in three weeks

3:32 PM

Michael: coolthree weeks from now? that's tomorrow!

3:33 PM

how does that song you like go?

3:37 PM Paul: like this: "you're dead!"

3:39 PM

Michael: oh yeah, i only remember the first part "you're about to be dead!"

3:40 PM

Paul: and then the end - "i'll miss you"

3:41 PM

Michael: avril lavigne is truly a master lyricist

3:42 PM

Paul: yeah. too bad she isn't as hot as us.Michael: i'm very manly and attractive

3:43 PM

Paul: aren't they all?

3:44 PM

Michael:who's they? supermodels?Paul: you know....themMichael: oh the governmenti DO know them

3:45 PM

ok i need to do workbut i do enjoy discussing whiskyfestso let's do it again some time

3:46 PM

Paul: soonMichael: via con diosPaul: vayaMichael: hahaniceyou're a spanishPaul: i amfrom mexico

3:47 PM

Michael: vaya then Uhmigo

Wednesday - 10/12/06 Redux

2008-07-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

2:46 PM Paul: Maybe our inability to commit is a commitment itself - a commitment to be alone, a commitment to be lonely.
2:47 PM Michael: check out the top item now on andrew sullivan
2:49 PM Paul: As a kid, you think no one can hurt you. It's only when you're older that you realize it wasn't that you couldn't be touched. It's that you couldn't really touch anyone else. (ok, i'm done for now)
Michael: hahaha, oh man
Paul: yeah, i saw that
Michael: that one was brilliant
Paul: ridiculous
2:50 PM Michael: truly
2:52 PM Paul: classic
Michael: "Sometimes you find out you weren't afraid that the outside world was gonna beat you, but that you were going to beat yourself"
Paul: that's a good one
2:56 PM here's a question for you
should other characters in the movie be like "what?! does that even mean anything?" or should everybody just play it straight?
2:57 PM Michael: i think everyone should play it straight, BUT it's a question we should keep in mind as we go, because depending on context we may want that to be the case
Paul: it could be funny if everybody played it straight until the end when somebody was just like "dude, you have got to just stop. nothing you have said has meant anything. what, did you watch the matrix and think that you were a philosopher?"
2:58 PM Michael: i think it should be a character who either wasn't in the rest of the movie or barely was, like his dad or something
2:59 PM Paul: hahaha
Michael: and then he can add "get a job"
Paul: his dead best friend
rises from the grave
Michael: to bring the message
Paul: totally
"dude, if you don't stop pretending to be the voice of my generation, a zombie will crush your larynx"
3:00 PM Michael: you are on fire now
Paul: and then he says something, and the dead best friend rises out of the ground and crushes his larynx. end movie.
3:02 PM Michael: "The End...?"
Paul: haha
3:03 PM Michael: and the love interest watches the event horrified and as the screen fades to black you see the zombie turn and start walking toward her
3:04 PM Paul: ha. it should probably go after the credits.
Michael: that works too
3:05 PM Paul: because it's a tough balance we're striking the whole time. making anyone with a brain realize that the movie is like ann coulter - crazy right winger or just in it for the money? so we shouldn't blow our whole load except as an alt. ending
3:06 PM Michael: great idea, i think you're 100% right

Wednesday - 10/12/06

2008-07-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

12:03 PM Paul: you're one of the few things that is a welcome distraction at work. that's why i call you "Mike 'Sideshow' Dubz
12:07 PM Michael: then let's get our distract on
12:08 PM Paul: untract me
i'm tracting
did you read andrew sullivan's "bushism of the day"?
Michael: not yet
havent had the time
Paul: "This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th," - George W. Bush. You couldn't make this up.
Michael: haha
Paul: ridiculous
Michael: so much so
12:09 PM Paul: he's the leader of the free world
astounds me
Michael: it really is astonishing
and arnold schwarzenegger is governor of our largest state
he was on leno last night
12:10 PM i just couldnt believe that that man was governor
Paul: for real. what a wacky world. what a bunch of fools we seem to be surrounded by
12:11 PM Michael: upon close inspection it appears that only the truly insane are truly sane
Paul: how delightful?
12:12 PM Michael: as Zach Braff might say "In life you have to wake up to the world before you can wake up to yourself"
12:13 PM Paul: did you just make that up?
Michael: yes
Paul: wow
that's it
we're writing a generation defining drama. and we're going to be so straight about it, but really we'll be mocking the movie itself
12:14 PM Michael: YES
we must
it practically writes itself
and we can have a poetry slam scene that's really profound
Paul: "i guess what really counts in this world is to be counted. every day is just another number."
12:15 PM Michael: brilliant
Paul: oh man
this is going to be so easy
Michael: we can use our old poems in that poetry slam scene
Paul: we can and will
Michael: you dont need to think about plot, because it will be a trite coming of age tale with a predictable love story tied to it
12:16 PM Paul: oh yeah
12:17 PM so....this guy zach's best friend dies, and he ends up falling in love with his girlfriend
Paul: we'll have a hilarious scene about whether or not she's a widow
Michael: i love it
12:18 PM Paul: we're gonna be millionaires
Michael: or at least poor-aires
Paul: yeah
Michael: we can call the film "Empire State"
and it will be set in brooklyn
Paul: the hardest part will be striking the right balance, so people don't know if we're mocking them or not
Michael: right
12:19 PM Paul: no no no, that's too much of a nudge nudge
it'll have to be something like
Michael: that's why i was thinking we can use a title that's not obviously a parody like "Yellow Carnations" or something
Paul: "Empire Falls"
or some crap
yeah
Michael: that crap's not bad
12:20 PM Paul: i'm almost embarrassed at how easy this is
12:21 PM the girl wil have to have attitude and edge. zach will be awkward but charming
Michael: isn't it pathetic?
Paul: yes
yes it is
Michael: yeah, Zach is the charming geek type
Paul: shy
but witty
Michael: very adorable and self-depricating
Paul: on the outside of things, an observer rather than a participant
Michael: seemingly introspective at all times
12:22 PM Paul: that is until angelina pulls his heart into action
Michael: it's going to be very tough for me to hold back some of the ridiculousness that pops into my head. for example, i was thinking there could be an emotional scene where the girl reveals that she has a terrible medical condition
and it turns out it's a tapeworm
Paul: she should definitely have something
but it never actually comes into play
Michael: of course
Paul: they just talk about it to give her more depth
Michael: yeah
12:24 PM Paul: "Angelina. Not quite an angel, but as close to heaven as my wings can take me."
so
bad
so hilarious
Michael oh man
12:25 PM "We complain that our lives are complex, but what makes them worthwhile is that we try to make them simple."
12:28 PM "When you look in the mirror and realize you're not young anymore is the same day you can begin living again."
Paul: "Growing up, you're told you can be anything. A rock star. An astronaut. A millionaire. But it's not that you grow up and land short. It's that no one ever really grows up at all"
Michael: hahaha
Paul: such trashy insights
Michael: solid
Paul: all of this and more
Michael: they're not even insights
12:29 PM they're meaningless
Paul: i know
so so meaningless
12:30 PM skimming the surface of our lives, everyday. we don't take a plunge because we're afraid that the water's too shallow.
12:31 PM this is so funny
12:32 PM Michael: ha, good one
yes it is
12:34 PM Paul: i'm serious about this, by the way. we can at least write it. and if we keep it to like 5 characters and few locations, we could probably make it if we wanted to. we just have to strike the right balance of mockery
12:35 PM Michael: that will be the biggest challenge, other than that, i'd say we could have a draft done in a week if we were working on it together in person
it's SO easy
Paul: soooooooo easy
12:36 PM Michael: so how do we write it?
12:37 PM as we are now, that is
12:39 PM Paul: well, we should bounce ideas off of each other for plot points, then i'll write up a plot synopsis/outline. that's step one.
Michael: ok, that works
12:40 PM i don't think i have the time to do that now, at work, but how about this weekend?
Paul: sure. how about i write up a general plot point outline, e-mail it your way. and you get back to me with ideas/corrections, etc.?
12:41 PM Michael: great
as soon as you get it to me i'll start working on it
12:42 PM Paul: "I guess that's all love really is - finding the same holes in someone else that you have in yourself."
Michael: wow
that's so mind-blowingly inane that i love it
Paul: i'm a genius. watching bad movies all the time has truly become the source of all my talent.
Paul: oh man
OH
MAN
The Holy Roman Empire - the main character will be named Zach Roman
12:45 PM Michael: haha
Paul: "holy" as in "holes"
Michael: that's a TV series type name
Paul: true
Michael: maybe
Paul: "crossing jordan"
"judging amy"
Michael: Judging Amy
Paul: ha
same page
Michael: oh yeah
12:46 PM that's the page we're on
Paul: alright, i'm outtie
Michael: ok, this was productive
and entertaining
12:47 PM Paul: as always
Michael: Cheerio

Wednesday - 10/11/06

2008-06-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

10:33 AM Michael: howdy fool
10:34 AM that's how Mr. T would greet you if he lived in the Old West
10:36 AM Paul: is it? or would he say "you dead, sucka"?
10:37 AM Michael: that comes immediately after "howdy fool"
Paul: i'm gonna git you, sucka
which, oddly, did not star mr. t
Michael: that IS oddly
10:38 AM did you peruse the WhiskyFest page yet?
10:40 AM Paul: oh yes. maggie and i are totally down for going. you need to come too. that's the consensus.
10:41 AM Michael: hmmm
10:42 AM maybe i can take off a couple of days
i really would like to go
hmmm
Paul: hmmm indeed
Michael: well, i'll give it some thought
but you and maggie are def. in?
10:43 AM Paul: oh yes, oh yes
Michael: terrific
10:44 AM if only it was on the weekend instead, sigh
10:45 AM the problem is i'm taking off four days the week before thanksgiving
so i dont know
yo skeptico
and naturally, I'd have to take off the post-whiskyfest day
Paul: i skeptico. yes....well, it IS whiskey
of course
10:46 AM Michael: you make a convincing argument
10:47 AM Paul: i know. i was in debate club.
Michael: tell me more about your beliefs
you just debated me into oblivion
Paul: well, would you like to subscribe to my newsletter?
10:48 AM Michael: i would be interested in it
10:49 AM Paul: well, i don't have one. so there
Michael: fuck you
Paul: oh, mike. we need to live in the same city.
Michael: i agree to the utmost
let's make that happen sooner rather than later
10:50 AM Paul: agreed
Michael: two options: 1) if I do go to law school, then perhaps it will be in NYC or 2) we should both move to the west coast at the same stime
10:51 AM OR we build a new city called Paultopia on a carribean island
10:52 AM it will be an island paraMike
Paul: paulopolis, the city of the future
i like options 1 and 2, but i really dig option 3
if you go to law school, it better the damn be in nyc
Michael: yes, option 3 has attracted my fancy
Paul: cause i'm here for like another 3 or 4 years
Michael: if i go to law school it would probably not be until fall 2008
10:53 AM Paul: hoooom
Michael: and it probably will be in some city in the northeast
Paul: hooooooooooooooooom
Michael: HOOOOOOOM
how's alex doing?
10:54 AM Paul: he's got some sort of illness right now
feverish
Michael: oh man, rough
10:55 AM order him to get better
Paul: i did
we'll see what happens
Michael: and he disobeyed you???
oh ok
Paul: so far
Michael: you two still share a room?
Paul: no
i've got connor's old room
Michael: nice
no sickness for you then
and connor moved out?
10:56 AM Paul: yup. he moved in with jon a couple stops away
10:57 AM Michael: cool, i know i've asked you this shit before, but since i havent yet been in your apt - flat as only I say - since the moving whatnot, i can't remember who moved into what
Paul: yes yes. it's ok. you're mind is leaving you, as it should have years ago
10:59 AM Michael: yes, i am growing forgetful in golden years
Paul: and you're growing golden
Michael: for example, yesterday i was talking to menachem and he mentioned the holy grail, and i totally couldnt remember where it was
11:00 AM Paul: it's by the canyon of the crescent moon. hello?!
Michael: that's what i thought. turns out it's in the MGM Grand in Vegas
Paul: oooooo
alright, work calls
11:01 AM Michael: same
Paul: we'll meet again
Michael: thanks for the brief entertainment
Paul: always
Michael: adios fool, as Mr. T would say in Old West mexico
Paul: sasparilla, sucka!

Tuesday - 10/10/06

2008-06-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

12:07 PM Michael: hey
Paul: "hey" - that's SO you
Michael: i know, I invented "hey"
12:08 PM if i may have moment of your time, sir, i'd like to discuss WhiskyFest
12:09 PM Paul: please, whiskeytize me
12:10 PM Michael: so, here is the deal - and i will look at the precise details and email them to you when i do
i think it's November 6th
which i believe is a tuesday
i'm going to be up the preceeding weekend
but
i dont think i can be there for the event
12:11 PM Paul: NO!
why would whiskeyfest happen on a tuesday?
whiskeyfest should be a friday through to saturday whiskeynight
12:12 PM Michael: I know! I agree! now, normally i'd like to do this as a surprise, obviously, but tickets aren't cheap, so i need to know prior to it whether or not you and maggie could go, but i would like to treat you both, if you can attend, as a anniversary/maggie's birthday present
Paul: oh my god
12:13 PM Michael: basically it features hundreds of different whiskies, taste testing, various classes, etc
Paul: why would you buy me anything? i mean, i love you. and i love whiskey. but you're way too good to me.
Michael: you can taste thousand dollar vintages!
Paul: oh my god
Michael: trust me, i'd love to be there myself
Paul: my brain just attacked my heart and told it that it's dead. because my brain is going to drink so much whiskey
Michael:
12:14 PM and if I find out i can come, then i will
so i'll send you the info and let me know if you and maggie could go
Paul: i'll check with maggie after i get the deets from you. I'm totally up for it. But I feel bad that you're going to buy tickets and NOT go.
Michael: so it goes. i'll vicariously drink whisky through you
Paul: you are the dream friend i've always dreamed about
12:15 PM Michael: i'll email you the info now, get back to me when you can
i'm still coming up that weekend, of course
so you will buy me a drink
12:16 PM Paul: "a" drink?
12:17 PM Michael: many "a" drinks
Paul: more like i'll get you more sauced than a tomato that's been made into sauce
Michael: email sent
Paul: gracias
Michael: hell yeah you will
and then i'll pass out in the hot sun
Paul: hell yeah i'm gonna!
we're gonna get tore up
12:18 PM Michael: oh the drunken hilarity will flow like discombobulated sober hilarity
Paul: it's a shame you won't be here this saturday. the party looks to be kickin
$100 of booze. a dj. friends.
12:19 PM Michael: sounds great, i don't think i can make it, but there actually is a remote possibility of a last minute change of plans
trust me, i want to be there
i have shit to do this weekend though, including working on sunday
12:20 PM Paul: bah. work is for suckers. even though i am one of those suckers.
Michael: yeah
well, without it, i'd have no money to sponsor you in WHISKYFEST
12:21 PM Paul: hahaha
Michael: so it has at least one upside
Paul: i'm gonna have to make a shirt/have maggie make a shirt for "Team Mike"
Michael: that would be awesome
i'll need one, like the 6th grader from south park who always wears a shirt with his face on it
Paul: a full jump suit would be ideal, actually
12:22 PM Michael: and yellow, like april o'neill
Paul: for maggie
mine would have a giant dragon on it and the word "maverick"
Michael: mine will have the words "contientious obejector, smash the establishment" on the front and a starbucks logo on the back
Paul: man, he went into a DUNKIN DONUTS
hilarious
12:24 PM Michael: i would actually really like a shirt like that
Paul: "smash the establishment...with this refreshing coffee coolata"
Michael:
the perfect summer pick-me-up
Paul: america runs on dunkin
well, i'll see about making a shirt like that and getting it your way
12:25 PM i know people. they do fashion stuff.
Michael: thanks buddy, Team Mike would also be mostly excellent
yes i know
do dan and pete still do that stuff?
Paul: yeah. it's going well, too. just completed an order of 1000 shirts for a record company/store. something like that.
12:26 PM Michael: that's awesome
well done boys
12:27 PM did i tell you that josh and i will be starting to brew and sell our own beer soon?
we just completed our first original recipe beer
Paul: how'd you do that?
12:28 PM Michael: it was very, very good (if i do say so myself), now we're brewing a couple more batches and there's a lot of paperwork and planning to do, but hope to have it going within about a year
we each had learned enough from brewing beer following recipes that we invented our own
it's called ZWB
12:29 PM for the german word Zimtweisbier, which mean cinnamon wheat beer
because it's a cinnamon wheat beer
you see
Paul: oh man
that sounds delicious
i want all of it
i'll put in a preorder
Michael: it was really good
Paul: for like, a case and a keg and another case
12:30 PM Michael: we brewed a second batch a couple weeks ago at josh's place when i was in boston, and next week i'm doing another batch here in dc
Paul: are you going to declare yourselves a business and shit?
Michael: since there's lincensing needed just to sell beer, we have to get that first
then we will become a company
Paul: are you still using the brewing kits for your barley and carbonization?
12:32 PM Michael: yep. we have looked into bigger equipment, for $700 we can buy a 100 gallon fermenter (by contrast we can only brew 5 gallons at a time now), with these batches we're probably going to take it to beer bars for opinions and advice
so we're both saving up to have a few thousand for next year
12:33 PM Paul: this is momentous. monumental. congratualtions/thank you for blessing the world with your talents
12:34 PM Michael: thanks, i hope things work out
Paul: that's amazing
12:35 PM Michael: josh has a business background, so he's in charge of getting a business model together in the next few weeks
Paul: I'm somehow jealous, but more excited than anything
Michael: i'm going to fill out the licensing forms
you're more than welcome to help brew and share profits if you wish
Paul: i heart beer?
Michael: we could have maggie design the label
Paul: i'll run it by her. i'm sure she'd be more than happy to get in contact with you guys about it
Michael: although big m may want to compete
12:36 PM Paul: indeed
and of course, i offer my services in whatever way they are needed.
Michael: well, there's no rush, we're looking at at least a year before we start actual production for commercial purposes
thanks, and some day - and that day may never come - i will call on you for those services
12:37 PM Paul: hahaha
Michael: oh, my ZWB should be ready by the time i'm in nyc in november, i'll bring a few bottles
12:38 PM Paul: i'll shoot all of your commercials. they will be manic, drunken, and outrageous. and all those who view them will suddenly have an unexplainable craving for zwb. please do bring a bottle or two. i'm really curious. it sounds delicious.
12:39 PM Michael: the first batch was, so hopefully will the second batch. yes you will shoot our ads, but we won't have enough money to put them on tv
12:40 PM Paul: we'll just play them from projectors placed outside of all the bars in the city. guerilla marketing.
12:42 PM Michael: brilliant!
and on youtube
bless the internet, everyone
Paul: well
apparenlty
anything you put up on youtube is subsequently owned by youtube
12:43 PM Michael: hmmm
and now google
which bought youtube yesterday for $1.65 billion
Paul: i heard. bastards.
oh
12:44 PM go on youtube and check out "fat kid ride" and "japanese game show nuts" for searches
both are hysterical
Michael: i can't now, but i'll try to remember later
Paul: indeed
work and whatnot
Michael: i've seen the japanese nuts game show actually, that IS hilarious
12:45 PM andrew sullivan linked it a week or two ago
the fat kids one i'll have to check out
yes, work
Paul: ah, andrew sullivan. i'm interested in his book that came out today
12:46 PM Michael: oh yeah
what's his topic?
12:48 PM Paul: something about saving conservatism from fundamentalists and extremists. the roots of reason and religion in conservatism along with the basic tenets of small gov't and fiscal responsibility. i think. seems like an interesting and at the very least intelligent read
12:49 PM Michael: oooh, interesting, i'm sure it'll be an intelligent read
and yeah, conservatism is heading in a terrifyingly awful direction
12:50 PM Paul: yeah. moderate republicans and moderate democrats should form a new party.
they at least allow for disagreement and rational debate. a party that allowed that within its own structure would be a welcome change
12:51 PM Michael: i have been thinking the same thing
12:52 PM it's almost impossible to form a centrist party though
oh well
Paul: yeah, but it COULD happen. it's about time too.
Michael: agreed
let's be engines for political change!
Paul: i mean we used to have progressives and federalists and whigs. why not make a new party again?
Michael: nah, that sounds hard, let's drink beer and vomit on our shoes!
Paul: YES
12:53 PM Michael: YES
another compromise
Paul: that'll be our foundation for political activism. drinking
Michael: it'll be the opposite of the temperance movement
12:54 PM Paul: the inebrationists
Michael:
nicely done
Paul: "abolitionists?" no no, my good man. here, have a drink
Michael: i have to get back to work
Paul: keep on keeping on
12:55 PM Michael: look over the whiskyfest stuff and get back me when you can
you too pops
you too
Paul: i will. a pleasure as always
Michael: as always
cheers

Friday - 10/6/06

2008-06-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

5:04 PM Paul: me too. i want two beers
one for each hand
5:05 PM Michael: make that so
stat
Paul: one for each.....liver?
Michael: i prescribe 30 cc's of stout, stat!
5:06 PM Paul: to the draught factory!
Michael: i'm on my way
Paul: the brewatorium, where the beerologists excavate the alcoholonomics for our goblets?
5:07 PM
Michael: the SAME
5:08 PM Paul: oooo, that's capitalismtastic! tastes like reaganomics!
Michael: trickle down to my mouth
5:09 PM Paul: transform the globe into a delicious drink
5:10 PM Michael: oh my yes
i gtg
have the weekend to end all weekends
except for the next one
Paul: adios
5:12 PM Michael: oh i meant to tell you, i hear great things about The Departed
Paul: me too
might see it tonight
haven't decided
Michael: if so, let me know how it is
Paul: indeed
5:13 PM you take it to the streets, and don't turn back til you turn it out
Michael: will do, cheers mate

Wednesday - 10/4/06

2008-06-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

11:52 AM Paul: is that a kitten hitler?
Michael: YES
Paul: out to cleanse the cat race
Michael: have you been to catsthatlooklikehitler.com?
Paul: oh shit
i have
but not in a while
Michael: i love that site
Paul: i was just guessing
Michael: the "best kitlers" section is excellent
Paul: hahaha
11:53 AM i feel like all jews should own one. and all neo-nazis should be forced to have pet monkeys
they can throw their feces, intellectual and otherwise, at each other
Michael: they should be forced to have a cat that looks like a rabbi
Paul: hahahahaha
11:54 AM Michael: ha feces throwing
Paul: truly, if we were in charge...
Michael: these would be the rules
if only
so when are you starting your blog?
11:55 AM Paul: soon. soon. i feel like i have to start it off with a really good review, and i'm getting "license to drive" (a corey haim/corey feldman masterpiece) in the mail soon. so after i watch that? a week or two?
Michael: sounds good
11:56 AM and i'll review your review
Paul:"he's especially NOT a genius"
Michael: haahaha
11:57 AM "Overall I give Paul's review one star. Don't bother reading it. Don't even go to his blog."
11:58 AM Paul: are you reading this right now? STOP! leave here, never to return. farewell.
Michael: bye
Paul: bye yourself
why isn't your last name "gilette" or "sony"?
11:59 AM Michael: haha
it was, but i changed it so i could blend in with commoners
my last name is really "The Queen of England" - That's right, I'm Michael The Queen of England
12:00 PM Paul: Michael T. Queen of England
Michael: Michael T. Queen O'England
it's irish
12:01 PM
Paul: why aren't we being paid to do this for a living?
Michael: i ask myself that everytime we have a conversation
at least gmail saves them, so we can mine them for pure comedy gold later
Paul: we should be put into a think tank. writers and creative types can poach our ideas and build them into shows and films and books
Michael: and we get all the profits
12:02 PM indeed, we should start just such a think tank
Paul: do we know anyone who will let us do that?
12:04 PM Michael: people will come to us and say, "i have an idea for a movie, but i'm not sure this character's developed enough" and we'll say "character development, plot and dialogue are all secondary in film to visual gimmicks and a faux-emotional indie soundtrack
that'll be twenty dollars"
12:05 PM Paul: hahahaha
12:06 PM Michael: i gtg
Paul: funnily enough, purpler rain is probably the most ridiculous film ever written. we realize it time and again as we work on stuff for it, then return to the script and rediscover lines such as "they've taken all the brownies"
Michael: but there shall be more merriment later
Paul: "only the brownies of man's dignity"
Michael: hahaha
12:07 PM Paul: tata
Michael: is a brownie more than the dessert we all imagine we could eat?
Paul: probably not
Michael: ok peace

Tuesday - 10/3/06

2008-06-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

1:26 PM Michael: "Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
i'm deep
Paul: that is the most faux deep piece of poop next to some wachowski brothers philosophical review
boom
1:27 PM i said it
Michael: jajajajaja
no, mr. braff, that's not at all what a family is
Paul: i'm thinking of starting a blog of film reviews - dvds that i happen to watch, current films in the theater, whatevs. maybe have a few other people write too. mine, of course, will all be hilarious
1:28 PM Michael: YES
i will read that ALL the time
and make suggestions too
you must
Paul: would you like to write?
Michael: definitely
Paul: so it shall be
Michael: call it "Garden State of Mind"
Paul: hahahaha
Michael: or "The Braff factory"
1:29 PM Paul: well, that would be the name of a review, i think
and to write that review, i'd have to watch the movie again, or watch the other braff film
1:30 PM Michael: oh no
then it's not worth it
Paul: neither of which do i want to do
exactly
although one day there is bound to be a rant against braff on there
but yes, the blog will need a good name
and need to be updated regularly
1:32 PM Michael: how about "Paul and Me: A Paul Cannon Blog"
Paul: well, if there are other people writing, it should just be me. although, "The Paul Cannon Fund: Money for Paul Cannon" does have a ring to it
1:33 PM Michael: yeah that's a good one, or "Paul and Friends: Will You Be Paul's Friend"
1:34 PM Paul: no no "You WILL" not "will you"
Michael: yes
Paul: How about "it stinks!"
Michael: yes
1:35 PM that's the motto
1:37 PM how about "Paul's Magical Film Blog From Beyond the Moon: It Stinks!"
1:38 PM Paul: Something with "Death Squad" in it - since there's me, alex, jon, and you. mostly me and alex, i'm sure, but with insight from you and jon whenever you happen to see a film
Michael: it doesnt have to be exclusively films in theaters now i assume
Paul: "Celluloid Death Squad"
1:39 PM no
whatever you happen to watch
Michael: "The American Motion Picture Evening Revue"
Paul: i saw part of "silent movie" last night - i say part b/c i turned it off it was so bad
but i could review that, for example
Michael: right

i saw that a long time ago
1:40 PM Paul: sooooooo awful
anyway, i must go do work. i'll be back
Michael: "Citizen Paul and the Film Brigade"
ok, later

Tuesday - 9/29/06

2008-06-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

10:37 AM Michael: hey man
10:38 AM Paul: hello, man
Michael: how goes?
Paul: meh. yourself?
Michael: meh indeed
10:39 AM Paul: give me tons of money
Michael: i'm bored
ok
Paul: that's the ticket
Michael: i'm sending over the first ton now
so i fully intend to be in NYC on the weekend of nov. 3
10:41 AM Paul: that's mags b-day. there will be much pomp and more drinking
Michael: i know, i intend to join
Paul: huzza
Michael: will you be in the same apartment then?
10:42 AM Paul: i guess. unless i move on up suddenly. like in that show, what was it called?
Michael: lost in space
10:43 AM Paul: yes. that's the one.
10:44 AM Michael: i wrote that show, and co-directed the christmas special "Lost in Space Goes to the Manger"
Paul: oh, that was a gem among diamonds and gold
10:45 AM Michael: and frankensense
Paul: and that other one, what was it?
10:46 AM Michael: crystal meth
Paul: a sack of dimes?
Michael:
when i'm rich, i think i'll have all my wealth converted into sacks of dimes
Paul: no, golden dollars. just to be a pest
10:47 AM Michael: imagine buying a car with sacks of dimes
10:48 AM Paul: or paying bills? an envelope with a sack in it. with dimes in it.
10:49 AM Michael: ha
also good
Paul: imagine buying tons of sacks with a sack of dimes? is that some sort of irony? or poetry?
10:50 AM Michael: isnt it both
i'll open a dime-only bank
10:51 AM how's dan doing?
i should call that kid
the pats and bengals play this weekend
10:56 AM Paul: brb
Michael: ok
5 minutes
11:01 AM Paul: sorry about that, champ
Michael: no worries pops
11:02 AM Paul: how's the paralegalizing?
11:03 AM Michael: eh, it's fine in general, lot of hours = lots of money, but much of the time has not been too exciting
11:04 AM
Paul: holy crap. how much you working?
Michael: about 50 hours a week when jewish holidays haven't interfered (and they have to some extent and will continue to do so)
Paul: yom kippur's on monday i'm told
11:06 AM Michael: you are so right
i'm impressed
Paul: my boss asked me: are you taking off the monday holiday?
and i said: what holiday?
so yeah, be impressed
11:07 AM Michael: you should have said "yes i am. what holiday?"
Paul: hahaha
11:09 AM Michael: you still havent sent me your glorious sp
Paul: my what now?
Michael: screenplay
Paul: oooo
11:10 AM right
Michael: it's alright
Paul: well, we haven't modified it with the latest changes yet
Michael: i see
whenever
take your time, and i'll keep bugging you
and then you'll write and send a fake screenplay to placate me
11:11 AM Paul: it'll be about a Markle Dusnitsky
Michael: it'll be 15 pages of "You suck mike" "yes i do, paul" "i really hate you mike" "Your fly is unzipped, paul"
11:12 AM
Markle Dusnitsky
Paul: oddly enough i just checked my fly
Michael: and?
Paul: twice. and it's zipped. you lying liar
Michael: i tricked you with my brain
but seriously, you have ink on your face
11:13 AM Paul: i do not! oh wait...
i do not!
11:14 AM Michael: oh! good news
Exterminating Angel just came out on DVD
with english subtitles of course
Paul: buy it for me
Michael: it costs $40 new
Paul: oooo
pricy
11:15 AM you know, my favorite holiday, the "givepaulfreethingsday" is coming up
Michael: i will buy it for you on one condition, you buy me that dream i always wanted
11:16 AM Paul: oh, the dreamhouse you've always dreamed about?!
11:17 AM Michael: yes but it's beyond everything
11:22 AM Paul: i'm afraid i bought that dream
and then i blew it up
Michael: you're a cruel mistress
Paul: indeed
11:23 AM Michael: maybe i should buy it for maggie's birthday and she''ll give it to you, thereby gaining me favor in two people's eyes
11:25 AM or maybe i'll buy maggie a bowling bowl that says "Paul" on it
11:26 AM ball
a bowling bowl - i'm hysterical
Paul: that would be amazing
you are
it's true
11:27 AM Michael: in my office they call me "the funny one" but that is also followed by "that nerdy, Jewish kid that always reeks of whisky"
Paul: that's why we're friends. well, one reason.
the other is because i'm jewish
11:28 AM Michael: both good reasons
i don't talk to non-jews
11:29 AM Paul: that's so true
gufaw
Michael: scoff
let's throw our gold at them!
we control the media, we can always make more
11:31 AM i'm thinking of converting to catholicism, can you describe its benefits package for me?
Paul: you get salvation. you get jesus. he's pretty cool, i gotta say. and you get communion. if you want.
Michael: free wine at church??
i'm so in
11:32 AM Paul: it's actually wine AND a wafer
both transubstantiated
Michael: for my eating pleasure
11:33 AM that sounds like a good deal though, can have it shipped to my house? in boxes, ideally
Paul: ha. you'd have to be really desperate to try to have that as a snack. you're sacreligious. i don't like you anymore.
also, you taste like a burger
brb
Michael: but i want to telesalavate
ok
7 minutes
11:41 AM Paul: we should market telesalavation on qvc
11:44 AM Michael: haha
good idea
11:45 AM i lost all my momentum during your absence
now i need coffee

Wednesday - 9/20/06

2008-05-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

1:36 PM Michael: hey fool
i did call you the other day
Paul: you DID
do me a favor
Michael: what is it?
1:37 PM Paul: look in "if chins could kill" and e-mail me the recipe they have/description for the fake blood they used in evil dead
Michael: my copy is in boston
Paul: booooooooooo
Michael: BUT i will be there this weekend if it can wait

Paul: it can
Michael: ok, so i'll get that to you in a couple days
1:38 PM send me an email reminder on friday
Paul: indeed
Michael: so i called you the other day b/c that movie you talk about so much, Sunrise, was on
tv
but unfortunately i couldnt watch it b/c i had to get up early for work the next day
1:39 PM i saw a bit of it
Paul: it's so good
Michael: i know, now i'll have to rent/buy it
1:40 PM Paul: i own it if you ever want to check it out free-like

Michael: i do
when i finally haul my ass to new york
1:41 PM Paul: yeah, and when is that?
Michael: a few weeks
after the spate of jewish holidays that begins this weekend
1:43 PM Paul: oh, you jews
always getting drunk and rough housing
Michael: big m and i got thai food last night in honor of the coup
haha
yep
1:44 PM
Paul: that's hilarious
you guys are geniuses
Michael: thanks sir
you never sent me the 15 pages of the script, btw
1:45 PM Paul: fuck. yeah. we made a couple hilarious revisions, so i'll send you that as soon as they're typed up (by saturday)
Michael: deal
i'll allow you to make changes just this once
Paul: good man
1:46 PM yeah, things are getting hectic whilst we gear up for the shoot

Michael: right. i want to come to nyc at some point when we both have the opportunity to get drunk off our asses
so not while you're shooting
1:47 PM Paul: then don't come the weekend of nov. 10 or 17
Michael: ok, maybe nov. 3?
1:48 PM Paul: yeah. that's mags b-day. there will be so much drinking it will be funny, then not funny, then a little funny, then sleepy
so yes
come visit
Michael: ok, i'll try to make that time
i'll have to get maggie a gift, i'm thinking a cheeseburger
although i may go with a steak instead

Paul: a can of manwich
Michael: hahaha
1:49 PM Paul: i gave a can of manwich to noel before i was dating her for her b-day
i was a charmer
Michael: brilliant
i'm sure that went over well
Paul: three years of making out...
Michael: good point
1:50 PM Paul: so there

Michael: are you at work?
Paul: get maggie mayonnaise
she'll hate you forever. but we'll high five
Michael: haha
Paul: i am at work
Michael: if that's what she wants...
Paul: ha
1:51 PM get her a six pack, but drink four beers
Michael: and put mayonnaise in the other two?
Paul: your urine?
Michael: that's easy enough
"it's a homemade gift" - i'll say
1:52 PM "a six pack with four empty beer bottles and two filled with my urine"
"it's very postmodern"
1:53 PM Paul: yeah
"art"
Michael: she's sophisticated, so she'll appreciate it
Paul: of course
fuck, you and i need to live in the same city. this occurs to me weekly. perhaps even daily.

Michael: yes, same
it's a sadness
1:54 PM we should both choose to move to the same different city
Paul: a black mark upon society. yes
let's move to the city of colorado
Michael: San Diego, i hear it means "a whale's vagina"
haha
Paul: ha
Michael: how about the planet australia?
Paul: san diego seems like an alright choice
oh, int'l thinking - what say you to london?
Michael: yeah, nice weather
1:55 PM Paul: LON-DON
Michael: honestly, if i could afford to live there, i would certainly move to Lundin
Paul: fuckin a
maybe when i'm rich off of purpler rain
Michael: let that be so
1:56 PM you should market it as a movie "so good that you'll make money by watching it"
1:57 PM Paul: boourns
Michael: you should market it as a movie "so good that you'll make money by watching it"
b/c that's what i hope will happen to me
can i preorder a DVD copy?
1:58 PM Paul: ha.
you can donate $25
that's LIKE pre-ordering
Michael: i like the idea of buying the DVD before the script is complete
Paul: ha
2:00 PM Michael: i'll make a donation though
in honor of the human fund

Paul: good man!
2:02 PM alright, now i have to go do some workity work work
Michael: alright sir
always a pleasure
2:03 PM Paul: this isn't over, michael d. dubz
until NEXT TIME
Michael: godspeed caribou

Wednesday - 9/6/06

2008-05-28T13:23:00.001-07:00

2:01 PM Michael: fuck i'm bored
entertain me with hilarity
Paul: i already have. your turn.
Michael: i replied
i am finding youtube stuff that amuses me
2:02 PM i could send that to you, but i doubt you'd find it as hilarious
Paul: can't watch it at work.
Michael: bah
2:04 PM Paul: for reals. how is your job going?
Michael: it's fine, but not much to do right now
ps i was going to come to nyc this weekend, but i cant
Paul: eff you
2:05 PM Michael: right back at ya big guy
2:06 PM how's new line?
Paul: meh
Michael: meh indeed
you practically run that place
2:07 PM i heard from someone who works there "they don't give him the pay or credit he deserves, but without paul cannon, we'd have nothing."
Paul: right
2:08 PM actually, i kept a messenger waiting last week for 30 minutes, so new line is taking the $5 waiting fee out of my next pay check. how about that?
Michael: bastards
that jackass had it coming
i could tell all the way from here
5 minutes
2:14 PM Paul: are you going to take the lsats this year?
2:15 PM Michael: december 4
Paul: wow
heavy
Michael: weight has nothing to do with it
2:16 PM Paul: classy
2:17 PM Michael: that's what doc brown says to marty when he uses the term "heavy" in 1955
i thought you would get it, god
Paul: i did. that's why i called you classy
jackass
2:18 PM Michael: oh, then i called you classy back. but instead gmail sent the above two lines
Paul: riiiiight
i'm bored. BORED
Michael: yeah, those fuckers are always messing with me
i know, i'm bored too
if only i could solve the answer
2:19 PM Paul: if we can hit the bullseye the rest of the dominoes will fall like some house of cards
2:21 PM Michael: checkmate
2:22 PM Paul: indeed
so, uh, move to ny and hang out with me
we'll start a business where neither of us wakes up before 10 am and we both get out of work by 4:30 and we're rich
2:23 PM Michael: oh if only it were possible
not the business, the moving to new york
2:24 PM Paul: well, maybe if you go to columbia. eh?
Michael: then yes
dont hold your breath
2:25 PM if i go to law school - still a big if - it wouldn't be for at least a year and more likely two years
Paul: right. so why take the lsats now?
Michael: unless Paul’s Discount Law School accepts me early
2:26 PM because it's a process to apply and if i want to go by fall 2007 i have to take the lsat's now
Paul: wow
that's nuts
Michael: it is silly, isn't it
2:27 PM Paul: they should let you in based on good looks alone
2:30 PM Michael: that's what i've been saying, but everyone keeps telling me law is about more than looks, although none have explained how that can be
i told them law school is the modeling agency of grad schools
Paul: how is anything about more than looks?
yes, vanity is the law of the land
or something
mirrors, our gavels
?
Michael: combs our juries
2:32 PM and makeup our bailiffs
wherefore art thine principles you twisted code of laws?!
Paul: plastic surgery our bill of rights
Michael: runways our courtrooms
and so on
2:33 PM ad infinitum
2:34 PM Paul: to the end of law school
Michael: have you ever thought of going to dental school?
i always took you for a dentist
2:35 PM Paul: i think that's the most insulting thing you've ever said to me
2:36 PM Michael: well that's what i intended
2:37 PM you anti-dentite bastard
2:38 PM Paul: hahaha
2:39 PM well, i always took you for a...a....dentist's assistant
Michael: we prefer the term hygenist
2:42 PM any progress on the movie front?
2:43 PM Paul: today we're having a meeting to discuss making the first 15 pages in october or november. but it's slow. and we're broke. and no one likes us.
2:45 PM Michael: that's a shame, but what you guys lack in funds and friends, you make up for in determination and talent
2:47 PM Paul: you're nice, mike. my determination waxes and wanes, though.
2:48 PM Michael: naturally, so it does with everyone
abraham lincoln gave up on having a political career at one point, and i've always said you're the abraham lincoln of cinema
2:49 PM Paul: hahaha
well, when my son dies, i'll run for president of the dga
Michael: by the way the above statements are the nicest things i plan to say to anyone today so you better enjoy them
2:50 PM Paul: oh, i'm putting them on my walls at home.
2:52 PM Michael: good, then when you look at them you'll think of me, and when you think of me you'll have a beer
2:53 PM Paul: i think of you a lot, then
brb
2:54 PM me: ok
6 minutes
3:01 PM Paul: ah, life
i think i might go to grad school in a few years.
if i'm not rich
Michael: in film?
3:02 PM Paul: no. that's useless. not philosophy/politics either, but maybe something of that bent...
3:03 PM Michael: like dental school
i know your inner thoughts
Paul: you know TOO MUCH
3:04 PM i mean, to be honest, i'd love to be a famous/paid filmmaker, but even if i were, i don't think i'd do it every year of the rest of my life
3:05 PM Michael: you mean you'd pursue other side-occupations or you'd take time off occasionally?
3:06 PM Paul: i'd take time off. make films for a few years, then maybe go do something else for a few more years, then return to filmmaking. etc.
Michael: that's cool
i hear ya
3:07 PM i gtg
thanks for keeping me entertained

Monday - 8/7/06

2008-05-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

5:42 PM Paul: i lit your bed on fire and then made you sleep in it

5:43 PM Michael: lucky for me it was a water bed

Paul: how true that is

Michael: you and i have to get back to le poetry

Paul: i agree

and concur

but right now i need to pee

toodles

(now that's poetry)

5:44 PM Michael: buy

Wednesday - 7/12/06

2008-05-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

10:44 AM Paul: your face!

10:45 AM you are face

from the a-team

Michael: i am face

Paul: yes

you are

Michael: i've learned something here today

your fly is unzipped

Paul: it's a button fly

jack-o

Michael: i live in a pop-up box

10:46 AM Paul: i eat boxes like you for breakfast

Michael: that sounds delicious. but beware! the bobbies have seen you in the alley

10:47 AM Paul: they don't carry guns like mine. my muscles are huge.

Michael: that's because you're a body builder

Paul: i built this city. on rock and roll.

Michael: you built your body out of steel and brawn

10:48 AM Paul: too true. two tickets to the gun show. it's the fun show.

Michael:

well played

10:49 AM i'd like to extend and invitation to the pants party

the party...pants

Paul: are you trying to say there's a party in your pants, and that i'm invited?

Michael: yes i am

Paul: no thank you, brick

"brick" - hahahaha

10:50 AM Michael: hahahaha

brilliant

Paul: seriously

Michael: ok buddy i gotta run

Paul: peace

Michael: more later

ciao